When I met my Ex

13- Ziana

Delineating life has a different and exigent meaning. It could do anything to prove itself innocent, compelling you to accuse yourself of everything. It crashes with anyone blindly, and pretends like it was in our destiny. Destiny is the one caring for life every second, but life has its own ways to ruin the one who cares for it the most. As luck would have it, Raaz still knows nothing about Sameer, or mainly what I had blurted out to Pravin last night. I am glad he kept his words by sealing it between us only. But I wonder, when did I actually hear him promising me that? I hope things are still normal because a certain small trough in the course of my life could never be happy but always dangerous. I have started hating myself.

I decide to do a little shopping today. It's mainly because I want the throbbing tension in my mind to scurry away, and at the cost of life too I am not going to call Pravin to ask him of his opinion of the night. They definitely know and would never forget a scandalous thing like that but I just don't want to remind him of anything. Even if it is a means of convincing myself. Raaz is fortunately home today to cuddle with me all day, and it was obviously not me who asked for it but you should not be surprised when you have the perfect boyfriend in your life. The only disturbing thing is that he has not asked me yet about an incidence like that when he is ought to be hell concerned of it.
I look at my nails as I water the plants in my verandah. They have been almost fine all through this winter but my nails have started peeling like a paper of a cardboard. I sit on my bed and apply some dark FLVY nail enamel to make them pretty. Being at this age, I still can't brush them within the corners and it has to smudge a bit here and there. I do not nightmare to paint my right hand nails for the sake of it.

I was happily going to turn to Raaz for accompanying me to the nearest malls but he seems stiff and serious since morning. He did not give me a forehead kiss, and also is drinking his green tea being so distant to me. How would my day be blessed if we do not even share coffee together for once? Is it me over-looking into things or this daily used to happen? But it's not wrong if you try to understand what's going on in your life. I am unable to face him because his face gives me glimpses of Sameer's last call which might invade my neurons again, and probably the unsettling situation the three have fallen in, playing with their own lives. I expect him to ask me where I am going when I pick up my velvet handbag and fit into my heels till the door, but he is just staring at me timely and getting back to solving his never mastered-in Rubik's cube. Raaz becomes a kid when he is home, either severely upset or in a flying glee. I back from my way and sit beside him. It's important for me to know what's running in his mind that he has not talked a word to me. He did not even mention the need for an early breakfast when I spent hours in the bathroom, and later I was surprised by knowing that he had his meal without me because I was taking long. I had planned pasta for today but he said he was filled with a packet of readymade soup. Disappointedly, I had to agree to his words. Food without him at the table seemed to provide nothing to my body.

Holding his hands firmly, I notice he is stealing looks from me and trying hard to avoid me. It cracks the corner of my heart and cold breaths of fear creep around my ribs. What's suddenly so wrong with him?
Raaz would not look away from me just because of a conflict at his office; it has to be a problem with me. My skin turns dead when I think it could have been discovered by him. Pravin cannot be trusted anyway. As I go on negatively, he looks at me and smiles. All my doubts vanish when I see that same fresh and warm smile from him. It does not take me long to smile back. No words, that seems weird.
"I am a little unwell", he says, keeping his hand on his forehead. The love in my heart for him gets aroused and I ask him several questions of what he ate and did he sleep last night or not.
"How could I baby? There is so much work left", he says. Disappointment tides over me as I hear his cause of something else. A little uneasiness it is, did he really stay awake for work when he had told me on phone that all the sheets are lately done? What could he lie about possibly then? I am thinking too much may be, Raaz daily gets burdensome works. I had expected him to state a lovely reason for being concerned of my health. It's okay, it was a normal faint. I did not leap into coma that he should be worrying about; he's sensible.
And sensitive too.