SINNERS & SAINTS ⋆ nikki sixx

42. ✭ better in time

"You're freezing," he mentioned as if I didn't know. Breathlessly, I let out a chuckle while I nodded up at him. "Where'd you get to today?"

Though my brain was coercing me into believing that my husband despised me for what I did to him, his genuine smile--of somewhat relief to see me alive and back home--had me second guessing my entire mood.

"I went to Beth," I told him honestly, "because I was scared..."

Soothingly, his hand ran across my shoulders before settling in the middle of my spine and his fingers pressed softly into my skin. I hummed in contentment, letting my eyes flutter as he brought his face closer to my own and pressed a gentle peck to my forehead.

"What were you scared of, angel?"

Angel.

"Vince--he told me that you know," I stuttered over my words, his smile only slightly faltering, "and I didn't want to have to face you because I was embarrassed and I thought that you hated me."

"Christine," he cupped my chin, forcing me to eye him directly, "I don't hate you. I could never hate you because I love you too much."

"You love me?"

"Of course I love you, you're my wife. Why wouldn't I love you?"

"Because I..." I trailed off, feeling my throat begin to dry out, "because I slept with your best friend and made him promise to never tell you, told Vince, and Heather, and Beth, and my sister and I made those guys vow to keep quiet too and--"

"--Christine," firmly, yet gently, his fingers dug into my shoulders, "stop beating yourself up about this, okay? I'm not mad at you for doing what you did, I can't blame you, and I'm not mad at you for walking out. I am, however, mad at you for wandering around the streets of Los Angeles on your own at," he lifted his wrist to check his watch, "half three in the morning."

"I wasn't wandering. I was with Beth."

Nikki rolled his eyes, immediately calling bullshit because he knew me too well. He knew that I'd gotten sick of her company, yelled something offensive or cruel, and stormed out of the place without realizing that I had no ride home.

But then I acknowledged, after letting it rest for a few moments, what else he had told me.

"What did you mean by that?"

"By what?"

"When you said that you're not mad at me for doing what I did and that you can't blame me for it. What did you mean by that?"

"Exactly what I said," he told me honestly. "Look, Chris. I understand that I've not been the best husband these last few years and you know that I've slept with other people during our marriage--Vanity for one--so I think I deserve it. And Vince told me that the first time you fooled around with Tommy was when we fought on tour with Ozzy after I slept with that chick and, to be fair, you did tell me that you'd revenge fuck my best friend if I ever screwed another woman while we were together. And that second time, I deserved it for lashing out on you for just wanting to help Vince and leaving you on your own when you needed me there--"

"--Don't blame yourself, " I cut him off, rubbing the tears from underneath my eyes, "Nikki, none of this is your fault. I was being selfish and I didn't think about what I was doing until it was too late. Don't think about pinning the fault on anything that you did because it was all me. All of it."

"But I hurt you--"

"--And I hurt you," I countered, watching his eyes soften, "honey, don't do this. You don't need to make it seem as though you did worse, because you didn't, and you sure as hell don't need to forgive me for this because I know how hard this will be."