oh, anna- h.s

11. sunrise

"Fair enough. He seems like a very vibrant character." I smiled, he definitely livened up this house when he was here.

"He gets it from his mum. She's my icon. Complete nut case with the best clothing. Married rich and lives the best life. She brings out the best in everyone, she's the only one that can get my mum to liven up a little bit." She laughed, clearly reliving some fun memories.

"I can see that in him." I agreed.

She suddenly laid down on the blanket I had laid out for us on the grass. Her eyes closed and a sigh was released from her. The tone had shifted.

"I don't have a penny but I can offer you a cheeky kiss for your thoughts?" Her eyes opened at my words, pushing a giggle from her.

"There's some statistical bullshit I read about everyone ending up like their mothers. For him, it's the ideal situation but for others it's not." She was referring to her own i assumed.

"Your mum not an icon?" I tried to lighten it slightly but she needed to get something off her chest so I didn't really know what else to say.

"She...has a lot of love for us but it doesn't always come across that way. She has love but she's not loving. Do you get that?" She sat up again and I nodded. My dad was the same.

"Her love appears in critiques and insults." I commented. Her eyes widened as if I had been the first to understand which I find highly unlikely.

"Yes exactly." She paused for a moment, as if she was in shock. "She wanted me and Jasmine to grow up to have high paying jobs, find a husband and have many babies and then... that's it. I mean...Jasmine did that and still she's never once said she was proud of her or anything. I mean the woman's a single parent NHS nurse for gods sake. She can't get any more saintly." She burst, I couldn't help but smile at the passion in her voice.

"Some people can't express themselves as easily as they want to." I tell her with honesty.

It was true, it was what I found out with my father. It took him years to admit he was proud of something I had achieved and that was when I had bought a vintage car. It all came out in jumbled phrases but even though we were talking about a car I knew he was referring to a lot of other things.

"I gave up trying to make her proud of me a long time ago. I don't know what triggered something in her when I was born but she named me after herself, Diana,  and her favourite flower, Lily. My dad said when I was born she looked at me and she said, this one won't disappoint me. That only implies that Jasmine had already disappointed her at age 7 so what hope was there for me." She shook her head and looked away from me. "I'm rambling. I'm so sorry."

"I like listening to you." She had hardships and complications like everyone else, like myself. Yet, she made so much sense. "Parents are always complicated and children never really fully understand them ever."

"I'm just scared that one day she's going to get to me after years of pushing back." She confessed. I felt honoured that she would tell me something like that.

"You're very strong. You can be your own person." I pointed out.

She stared at me for not even a second before pulling me in for a kiss. Another moment I wish I could capture in a book or a picture. There are too many words to describe how it made me feel and not enough all at the same time. There wasn't a word or phrase that could capture it.

"I like you, you listen to my tired ramblings." She confessed tiredly before laying down against the blanket.

I loved to fall like this. All at once, throw my whole body into it. It was addictive, the rush of feelings I got. These were always the ones that hurt the most but one day the hurt won't come so I'll keep throwing myself in again and again.

It's my thing again.

The sun was fully risen by now and I couldn't tell if she was asleep. Her chest was rising slowly, her face and body peacefully still for a long time. I didn't care, I laid there in silence with her and I would until she woke up or wanted to do something.

I would let her hurt me if she wanted to. I don't know what that says about me but it was true. She made me a feel. The swelling in my chest was too great to throw away on whatever future we did not didn't have.

I used to run away from this feeling but now I lather in it, enjoy it while it lasts like a dirty high. Liliana wouldn't hurt me, I already knew that. It would probably be me but that thought was pushed all the way to the back.

For now, we were sharing this moment. A blissful moment. The calm before the storm. The eye of the hurricane. Whatever they say, this was it. The moment we should all remember.