After the Long Gone | Epistolary ✓

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Bea 
To me ▾

Jan 29, 2017, 7:00 PM  ↶   ⁝

Hi Althea,

By the time that you'll read this, I'm probably away now. Hush now, my twin. I'll  be with you! Always. I wish to be with you while I'm still there but unfortunately, I cannot do that. Worry not, I am now free. I can always watch you here. Just remember this; I'm in the paradise already. Without aching joints, no fatigue, random bruises, without pain. 

You know that I love you, right? I do. I love you sis! I hope I'd made you feel my love for you. But do you also know that... I envy you? I envy you so much I wish to swap places with you if only I could. I wish to be free. I wish I was the architect you are becoming. I wish to run in a field of daisies and not give a damn about my body afterwards. I wish to get a diploma on the stage and pass the board! I wish to travel around the globe. To experience winter and throw a snowball at you haha

I hate this cage. I wish to breathe freely. Without this shitty disease and non-stop therapies.

I know that I have limited time here. I can almost sense the grim reaper, ready to knock at my door three times. But I'm still looking forward to our sleepless sleepovers. I wish I am not tired enough when you visit here! You have so many stories to tell, what it is like outside, in your world. Is architecture hard? Did you have huge circle of friends? How about terror profs? Are you...happy? I... think I will not be able to see you again. Hindi ko na kaya. I think I can no longer wait for your arrival. I am tired, Thea. I'm rlly mustering the strength to get up everyday. Even getting up in bed is already painful. I feel like my sessions are not working anymore. I feel the ache internally. The doctors couldn't even smile at me. 

Lies, to tell me that everything is okay is a huge lie. Noong nakita ko si Tita na 'di mapakali, that's when I knew something's wrong with me. Even if they don't tell me, I knew myself that my organs are failing. I am tired. I cannot even swallow my meds. It's making me nauseous. I am sleeping enough but I wake up tired. I have no energy to even stand up to go to the bathroom. I have hard time focusing, days passed like a blur. Hours felt long but my life is so short. 

Did you know that I am crying now? And you are not here to sooth me. And the thought is making it much painful. I live in uncertainty and it will always remain the same until I... go. My life is so dull, pale like my face. Life is so boring like me. Nothing interesting. I am dependent in you, my medicines and therapy. Pakiramdam ko, abala lang ako. Well, that's true. The only thing that kept me going is my stories.

I know I will not be able to finish my novel. Yes, I am a writer. I have kept that from everyone lol I'm at theanonymouswriter_01. Wattpad is my sanctuary, my haven. I wrote a world where I want to stay. My time is running out it feels like. If I left those drafts behind. Can you publish it for me? Can you arrange things to make the book published? Can you do that for me, Althea? Please? Can you meet my readers for me? They are the sweetest! I hope you get the chance to meet them. Tell them there's Bea who loves them.

Everything is falling apart before me. If time comes, death is in front of me, I will take its hand and walk with it. I cannot wait to rest. If death is a lifetime slumber, I shall willingly close my eyes.

In another lifetime, if given a choice, I will choose to be your sister. Maybe we can unfold life together, if He permits. I will be waiting for you in our next lifetime. But for now, I want you to live. For yourself, find out the reason of your existence. Let yourself wander. It's okay to be lost. Do your best so that you don't have to regret later on. You already done so much for me. Do things for yourself this time. Remember: It's not your fault that I'm gone. I am not your baggage to carry forever. I hope someday, I will able to stand in my own feet. Because I crave for independency. To do things on my own and to run free. To abide the rules just once. To spend days without routine. To breathe without pain in my lungs. To have spontaneous trips and a lot of friends. 

I'm sorry if I envy you, I'm sorry to feel this way but I cannot help it. I'm sorry for being a bothersome most of the time. I'm sorry you have to carry all what's supposed to be mine. I am sorry I have to leave you this soon. My borrowed time is up.

Live, Althea Louisse. 

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