I want to live. I want to love. I think I am ready.

ready to live, to love

«Never thought I'd see the day the greatest hunter, the Dean Winchester, would retire.» Sam gives him a bright smile. «But you deserve all of that, you know that, everyone knows that. You've saved the world so many times and it's time for you to get to live in it. I'm looking forward to seeing you live. To be happy. To love. And I know you'll get him back, and I know he will follow you anywhere, too.»

***

Dean though maybe the quiet would help him focus at the task at hand, but the loneliness slowly but surely creeps up on him as he stares at the pages of the maybe fifteen old books splayed over the table in front of him.

The day they left he had been comfortable in the silence. He'd read more books these past four weeks than he ever had before in his life. He had gone through every book in the six bookshelves in the far corner of the library. And he hadn't found anything.

Now he was halfway through another shelf. He still haven't found anything.

Yet.

The first day all alone in the bunker consisted of the same procedure as yesterday. Wake up. Breakfast. Research. Dinner. Research. Sleep.

The second day, the loneliness took hold of him and it just got harder and harder to concentrate on the reading. His thoughts went to Cas, and his words. To Cas being alone in the empty, probably not even awake, just... there. He'd been trapped there for almost seven weeks now. 47 days, and 15 hours to be precise. The though sends shivers through him. The thought of Cas not being Cas, of Cas not being alive. Cas, alone. It might be the worst pain Dean had felt in a really, really long time.

Cas, left alone in the empty with no way out. There's no way the empty would send him back, again.

Cas dying before Dean even realized what his words meant.

Cas dying before Dean could tell him that he loved him back.

Cas dying without anyone telling him they loved him.

Cas believing Dean doesn't love him. He didn't deserve to die believing Dean didn't love him.

Cas didn't deserve to die. He deserved to live. If anyone deserved to die, it was Dean, not Cas.

Cas deserved to live. To love.

Cas.

Cas.

Cas.

Knowing what he now knew. It was one thing to live with the knowledge that nothing would ever come of Deans feelings towards the angel, knowing that his feelings were his, and his alone. Nothing would ever come of it, so they were simply pointless. But, knowing that Cas felt the same way. But living and knowing that the feelings Dean had towards the angel weren't pointless at all, but rather the only point that truly mattered, made living so much more difficult than he had ever believed.

He though he knew pain, in loving someone that would never love you. But the pain of loving someone, knowing they loved you too, but not being able to tell them because they sacrificed themselves to save his stupid life? That was a pain so strong and hateful that it on several occasions took Deans breath away. He couldn't, wouldn't, live like this. Not without him.

Slamming shut his book in frustration and anger Dean gives a heavy sigh as he leans back in his chair, his eyes wandering over the shelves on the wall. This was going to take forever to figure out. But he would figure it out, even if it would take years. The thought makes him feel helpless and hopeless. How was Dean supposed to survive that long without him.

«Heya, Jack. You there kid?» Dean lowers his head as tears stings his eyes. Every night, he would pray to Cas. Each night so filled with hope that the disappointment of always being left feeling more empty, still took him by surprise. He would pray to Jack too, not every night like with Cas, but he found more comfort in talking to Jack these days. «I know you are busy, and I know you would have helped if you knew how to. But... if... if there is anything, anything, no matter how small a thing, that could help him, please come tell me.»

Dean closes his eyes, shutting out the world and retrieving into the shell he has become. He can still hear his voice in times like this. In the quiet. In the dark.

«I miss him, so much. I miss both of you. I miss you, kid.»

He doesn't open his eyes at first, even when he feels a new presence in the room. Only when Miracle darts across the floor towards the one now standing in the doorway. When a happy bark from the dog makes Dean open his eyes and turning his head, a tear has already dried up on its way down Dean's face.

«Hello, Dean.»