Josie's Journey

"He's Just Really Negative" Says Josie About Abusive Father

Josie waited until Ethan had fallen asleep. She got up to sit at her desk and spend some time drawing. It was refreshing to spend time on something she enjoyed! It had been a while since she'd been drawing - she'd spent too long focusing on schoolwork and everything else in her out-of-control life.

"It's okay, Josie," she murmured to herself, frustrated after having to redraw the same thing for the third time. "You're doing great, it's just been awhile. Just breathe and keep practicing."

She focused on taking a few deep breaths, trying to find some bit of relaxation. Her day felt like it had dragged on forever, but she realized it was nearing 8 PM already. She went back to her drawing again until finally, the exhaustion hit her. Josie carefully packed her art supplies into the drawers of her new old desk, then made her way to the couch.

She sat down on the couch where Ethan decided to sleep and felt his forehead - his fever seemed to have gone down. She sighed and glanced at the alarm clock. 9:35 PM already?

She couldn't believe it was so late. It had been so long since she was able to lose herself in her drawing. She went ahead and took her nighttime medicine out of her medical bad, then grabbed the Gatorade off her bedside table so she could swallow them down.

Josie made her way to bed and slipped under the covers. Within minutes she was in a restless sleep. Her anxiety even made its way into her dreams - there was no relief. Shadows crowded the edge of her mind. Everything felt overwhelming even in her sleep, she needed some escape -

She sat up with a jolt. Her heart was racing and she struggled to catch her breath. Josie tried some calming breathing - in through her nose, out through her mouth. She glanced over at Ethan, who had also woken up. His eyes were filled with concern.

"Everything okay? You woke up screaming..." he said. "I'm kind of worried, babe."

Josie sat, a blank expression on her face. She stared at her hands, at the spaces between her fingers, at her narrow wrists, at her painted fingernails...

"Josie? What's wrong?" He tried to get her attention, to break the spell.

"What..?" she replied, her voice monotone and spaced out.

Ethan just shook his head. "Nothing. I'm just worried about you. You aren't acting like yourself," he replied, then winced and put a hand to his forehead. "And... I'm still sick. But are you okay?"

She glanced at him and nodded. "Yeah... well, I will be okay."

Josie held her head in her hands and tried to keep breathing. In through my nose, out through my mouth, she kept repeating in her mind.

As Josie laid down on her side of the bed, she felt her mind racing and it seemed like forever before she was actually able to relax and sleep. It didn't last very long because she was having another one of her so-called nightmares. They seem so real to her, almost as if she was actually in that moment. Her heart dropped into her stomach as she was reminded of the day she was adopted by her mother. She had a bad relationship with her biological father. She never wanted to see him or hear from him again. He's just really negative and she can't be around all the negativity and the abuse that went on from her past. She pushed the thoughts away and ran a hand through her hair.

She felt restless and decided to take a little bit of a walk. Her dream still haunted her mind, but she could only recall vague details. But as she walked down the hallway and stepped into the living room, the memories come flashing back to her like a river during a flood. She couldn't control it this time and it was much more intense than before.

Josie stumbled back to her room, tears streaming from her eyes.

We'll be alright, Josie, whispered a kind voice in her head. We always are, we've been so strong.

The presence seemed kind and familiar, but at the same time, it frightened her. She collapsed onto her bed and pulled the blankets around her.