Shadowsinger

Chapter Twenty-One~Love and Pain

Talk of war and battle fill the air along with Helion's story of the Lady of Autumn. Dinner comes and goes with Helion joining us, then Kallias, and Viviane. Azriel says nothing and doesn't let me in the whole while. I don't linger afterward and leave soon after Nesta to my own room in the hall despite Helion's invitation to remain longer. I decline. Whatever is going on with him and Mor, I don't want any part of. I've barely started to think about physical touch in a positive way. Jumping into bed with more than one person seems more than foolish.

I sink into the plush blankets the color of the rolling green hills in the distance and release a long sigh. So much happened today. Too much. I wiggle out of my clothes and lay naked on the bed to feel every inch of the supple fabric against my skin. Sometimes I forget just how sensitive it is now. Including my wings. My eyes shut as I slide around on the bed with the silk caressing me and I imagine the same happening to my wings. Hands, scarred and rough, slide over the straining muscles and stretched skin before I realize just whose hands I've imagined. My head shakes the image away before there's a shadow that undulates outside one of the arches on the side of the room before I recognize it.

Azriel tumbles into my room, destroying a small desk and vase in his clumsy landing while I clutch my blankets to my naked body. "What are you doing?" I hiss as he rights himself while swaying unsteadily on his feet. "Are you fucking drunk?" His eyes meet mine and I know I'm right when I see his blown pupils. Idiot.

"Yes." He confirms after the fact and I roll my eyes, sliding down the bed to pull him onto it before he topples out the window to his death. "You...you look ethereal." He murmurs and I pause from making sure he's secure on the bed to look up into his eyes. Emotion he doesn't usually show leaks onto his face and I'm frozen by it for a moment, then my head shakes.

"Why tonight, of all nights, do you decide to get drunk? I swear, I'm going to straddle you and Cassian!"

"I doubt he would object." He returns and frowns softly at the thought. "But neither would I." He continues and my head shakes again even as his hand remains in my lap. "It was a hard day." His voice hardens and my eyes stall on his as I remember the rage that lined his face today.

"You could have come to me with it rather than shutting me out." I remind him and let my hands lie on either side of his. His lips press together and it's strange to actually see the indecision on his face.

"I want to tell you." He murmurs and his hand lifts to gently tug on one of my curls.

"Then tell me." I encourage softly and he sighs with his eyes burning into mine.

"I love Mor." He admits and I hope the pain that strikes my heart doesn't show on my face. "I have for hundreds of years, yet neither of us takes a step towards one another. I know...I know I don't deserve her. I'm marked a bastard. Scarred." His eyes flick to his hands before returning to me. "I never want to chain a female to me and I doubt one would ever wish it, but...I still feel. Still care." I can't help but reach for him now and cling to his hand as I hold it between both of mine.

"Then you came and I knew what you were to me the moment I saw you. Mate. My mate." I go still as ice with our eyes still locked on each other's. My heart thunders in my chest as the bond between us seems to thrum at finally getting a name. Mate, mate, mate, mate. "That's what the connection is between us. I have loved Mor for so long, but when you came along, I was torn in two. Torn between a love that I've been loyal to for so long, but has never moved forward, or you." I swallow when his scarred hand frames my face and his wings ruffle a bit as if just that little touch is thrilling. "Something new, but that I know will last a lifetime. Even if you barely let me touch you, it would be enough. More than enough. More than I deserve."