The Experience of Being Alive

Chapter Twenty-One

"Before I answer all your questions, can you just answer one of mine?"

Binny sniffled. "OK."

"How did you know?"

"I had a dream. I was home. But it wasn't my home. It was the same but different. It was your house. And I saw the cats."

"Yes, but what made you even wonder about me? About who I am? What made you suspect?"

"Some strange man takes an interest in me, acts differently than everyone in this place, and reveals nothing about himself. You don't think those are some pretty big red flags?"

"Yes. I suppose they are."

"My turn to ask a question." Binny said.

The man laughed. "Shoot."

"What should I call you?" There was no humor in Binny's eyes as she asked the question.

"Well, that is a good question. I honestly hadn't thought about that." The man said. "I suppose you could call me 'Dad', but that's weird, because I'm not really your father. Jay is your father. And besides, if anyone in this place ever heard you say that, it might raise questions."

"Questions?"

"I don't think I'm supposed to be here."

"I don't think so either," Binny agreed.

"How about just 'Hillel'. It's my name after all."

"Okay Hillel." Binny rolled the name on her tongue getting used to the feel of it.

"And besides, calling your parent by their first name is a subversive way to deny their parental role," Hillel joked.

"Subversive?" Binny looked confused.

"It's something you would do." Hillel smiled.

"How do you know what I would do?" Binny was more curious than defensive.

"It's funny. At first when I started writing the book, I had to make up what you would do. And invariably I would just think of what my middle child would do."

Binny imagined this alternate version of her walking around in a real Madrona. It was yet another version of her existence, and she already had two.

Hillel continued, "But after awhile, you started doing things a little differently than she does. You became your own person. So every time I would wonder what you would do in a particular situation, instead of thinking of her, I would just think of you."

"So the answer to the question of how I know what you would do is, I just think of you, and you tell me." Hillel smiled broadly.

"That is super confusing."

"Not to me." Hillel's grin was now ear-to-ear.

"What are you so happy about?" Binny asked, sounding slightly annoyed.

"This is just pretty cool. Getting to meet you. Like this. It's kind of awesome," Hillel gushed.

"I don't get it. Aren't I a figment of your imagination? Can't you meet me in your head any time you like?"

"Do you feel like a figment of my imagination?" Hillel asked.

"Sometimes. Yeah. I just don't know what's real. Is the book real, is this real? I just don't really know what to think. Neither feel like a real life, but for different reasons. You know what I mean?"

"I do." Hillel nodded in sympathy.

Binny thought for a moment. And then, for a brief moment, the clouds lifted from her face. "I just realized something. You're here!"