Healing Myself

Battles with conscience

Nathan was a good boy.

He was also a liar.

Or at least, he'd lied to me, although I don't think he really meant to. He was the person who'd been there when I had been entering the treehouse.

It was easy for me to figure it out. I was always in tune with my surroundings and with my extra sensitive hearing it was painfully obvious he'd been jogging around in the woods for a while.

At the time I didn't understand why he didn't go on any trails though, why he was so keen on exploring one part of the woods so thoroughly. Now I might have an idea, one that I'd rather not think about. Maybe he was curious by nature. Yes, he was curious.

Curiosity, your ass. Didn't you notice how quickly he offered up the pool?

He was just being nice. He was also concerned when I mentioned going to the hospital.

Of course he was concerned. He needs to know you're not sick in order to play tongue twister.

You've got some comebacks, conscience.

Right now I was on my way to Lily's. Yep, change of plans.

Halfway to the hospital I'd gotten a message from Dr. Phil, saying he'd been rolled into an emergency and it would take him a couple hours to deal with it. I had sent him a reply right away, telling him that it was okay and that I could visit Lily in the meantime. I was already on my way so I decided to take a slight detour and go to her instead. I needed to talk to her about joining the Academy anyway and she'd be really happy that I'd come to see her.

I'd also pulled my hair up into a ponytail and changed into a white skater skirt instead of the pair of jeans that I'd been wearing. They'd gotten a little dirty from going to the woods and I thought it won't be so bad if I followed the fashion advice I'd gotten this morning. I also sent a text to mom to inform her about where I'd be or she'd get worried unnecessarily.

I got to their cabin style home and knocked on the door. Lily lived with her four husbands in a cozy home that might look like an almost abandoned cabin from the outside but the insides were beautiful and modern.

The old things outside, like the squeaky steps and the door without a doorbell were intentional. They'd be alerted by the time someone stepped on their property.

But what am I doing, going on about architecture when I just said Lily has four husbands. It's not really a big deal though. Lily's happy. Henry and Liam and William and John are happy.

Who cares about unusual relationships as long as the people involved in it have no objections? I don't.

The door opens and Lily stands in the doorway, looking a little surprised, but glad nonetheless. I hear the sound of faint banging coming from the inside and give her a look of confusion.

"Liam's making a crib from scratch." She shrugs and gestures her hand inside. "Won't you come in?"

"He's making one already?"

Lily found out that she was pregnant a month ago. They don't know whose baby it is yet and neither are they going to find out until he/she is born. The anticipation must be killing them but I know for a fact that they'll love the baby with all of their hearts' no matter who the father is.

"They are going all in." Lily remarks as I walk in. "The rest of the guys are out and about stocking up on favors so that they can all be present during the maternity leave." She adds as we walk towards her office/library together. It's where she has all of her appointments.

"That's so sweet of them." I say to her, my lips forming a smile on their own at this sweet little piece of information.

We go inside and she tells me she'll get something to drink for the both of us as I take a seat on the couch placed on the side of the room. I look around the room. It's still the same as the last time I visited. Lily has the usual rolling chair and huge desk set with two chairs for her clients facing it. We always talk on the couch though.

She strolls back in the room with a tray and two glasses filled with a frothy, red drink. As she sets the tray down on the tiny circular coffee table, I raise an eyebrow in question. "Pregnancy means no tea. Henry has made sure we have fresh fruit juice in stock for the next two weeks. Anyway, how come you're here, not that I mind."

"Hmm. Strawberry." I put down the glass, licking the juice off my lips. "I wanted to talk about joining. The Academy." I state with a sigh.

"Okay, go on." Her blue eyes are encouraging as I get it all out in the open.

"I've been sitting at home for the past 3 months, Lily. I feel like I need to do something, you know. All this time, four years, I've spent enjoying myself when there was so much I could've done for others. The Academy is ready to offer me an opportunity; and this time, I want to take it."

Lily's eyes turn inquisitive. "You seem to have it all figured out."

"But I don't." I look down, rolling the glass vial of my necklace in between my thumb and index finger. "I couldn't-couldn't help someone so close to me. How can I help someone I would know nothing about?"

Her eyes are gentle as she looks down at me. "They tell you everything, dear. Everything you need to know about."

"But I wouldn't know anyone. Not really." I press, looking back up, pleading with my eyes for her to understand.

She does.

"This isn't about not knowing, is it?" She releases a sigh, and cautious but sure words flow out of her lips, "You need to know what happened was not your fault, Sang. You couldn't have known what would happen that night."

She's right. I know she is. But still, a sob escapes me. A sob of anger. Of guilt. Of incompetence.

This self healing thing is going to be hard.

But I'd be damned if I let the struggles roll me over.

•••••

AN: It's begun to get really, really cold around here and I'm struggling with the weather's shenanigans. At the moment, my throat is so bad I sound like a 50 year old man, that is when I can speak because half the time I'm coughing my lungs out. Anyway, not taking up you guys' time with my rant let's quickly skip to the next step of this process.

QOTD: Do you guys like the new cover I designed for this story? I wasn't really satisfied with the last one. I'd look at it everytime and go "bleh". I like this one so much better, especially the font and that tiara.