Lessons I learnt from life.

Chapter 22: From self-retrospection

Lessons I learnt from self-retrospection

I hope everyone is doing well and in their best state of mental and physical health. I know it's been a while since I wrote a lesson but that doesn't mean that I haven't learnt any over the days, months and years so, today I am going to sum up a few lessons because each lesson that I learnt till date was a result of my self-retrospection. 

2020 is one hell of a year for everyone because just when we think the worst is over, the worse happens again and it's over and over, all across the world and while we are staying within the four walls of our home, we have time for immense self-reflection and retrospection, isn't it? Many people these days are beginning to rethink their lives because if there's one thing corona virus has taught us it's the fact that our lives are not guaranteed and at any given moment we could just die, you know? It's scary but it is real. 

A lot of people I know have lost someone they know, they loved and I lost one of my best friends  in Sept 2019 and that was the worst and even though grief and loss of someone who meant a lot to you is one of the worst things to go through in life, it gives you a sense of responsibility and purpose. You begin to think, actually think -What am I doing with my life?

The whole of 2019 for me was worse than 2020 is. Don't get me wrong. I mean it in a personal point of view. Of course the worse is happening around the world, globally, economically but for me, 2019 was the worst that life could throw at me and throughout the year I counted days till 2020 because there was one thing I was sure of, I was looking forward to my graduation. 

I graduated in Jan 2020 and went on a two months holiday too. It was relaxing to say the least. As if a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders and then I was back in my home, safe and sound before the pandemic took over the world. 

You see...the lesson is here. In between these lines that I just wrote. I waited and waited so long for 2019 to end and for 2020 to begin that I never for once thought about taking advantage and 'living in the moment' during 2019 because I was invested and frustrated with what was going around me. 2019 to me was like taking a journey towards some place that I didn't know much about but I still couldn't wait to get done with the journey because that journey in itself was exhausting. After having made to 2020, graduated with an honour, taking a degree I hated so much, I thought the worst was over. 

The worst will be over -- that's the kind of illusion my journey from 2019 to 2020 gave me and even though at the given moment when a part of me still believes at least the worst is over, I can't help but also think, what's the worst to come? 

The worst to come was 2020 is gonna end soon with me having no job, no purpose to get up everyday to. Maybe not the 'worse' in your terms but you see... this is what I am trying to specify. 

I am so used to the idea that the next thing that will happen to me is gonna solve all my problems that I don't even know what to do when it has happened. I waited so long to graduate now I don't know what to do with having graduated. I didn't even figure out which field I wanted to work for until a few months ago. And now I sit and think once I get a job, everything will be okay and sometimes I think, once I get married everything will be just fine because amidst everything, at least I will have a companion to go through these things with but it's not going to be. 

Nothing in our lives is gonna give us the assurance that everything is going to be okay. And I think to myself why is it that we want so badly for things to be okay? Why do we don't want to put in any effort into making it okay? I think to myself sometimes...okay...I don't have a job yet...a job can solve some of my problems...so what is it that I can do while have plenty of time to do anything? Sometimes I do...I write, I watch TV series, I watch movies, I read, I paint, I cook and I bake but then sometimes I don't have the energy or motivation to do anything. I lay in my bed all day doing nothing. 

And maybe all of this is okay. This is okay. Not fine. Not great. Not amazing. Just okay. You know what all of us have to really learn? Me, you, our parents, our friends, our neighbours, our enemies, everyone, each one of us...we just need to learn to be okay. We need to learn to be okay with things not under our control. Because in a way, corona has also taught us that we can plan a million things to go in a million ways. There can always be a plan B to plan A and plan C to plan B to ensure nothing goes wrong but things will go wrong because nothing's under our control. A virus that we can't even see has taken control over the world and none of the A,B,C plans of the countries is helping in keeping their economy stable. This is the biggest prove of things being in nobody's control and what do we have to do? 

Be okay. 

Until next time,

take care,

Em.