Saving Her Lost Soul

Chapter 34

He loves me, I know he does. He was angry when I wouldn't remember. It's not that I didn't remember it's that I didn't know what was real. My teasing and his jealousy made me see that. He wants me to belong to him even now. He has me does he not see that? The door opens again but I don't lookup. "Ri, can I stay with you? No sex, I just want to hold you. Make sure you're safe, I still want that for you, you know?"
"I'm on my period anyway." I mumble, "I'd rather you didn't, I feel dirtier on my period." I hate that part of being a woman and well it's also another thing that confirms I'm not pregnant. I wasn't trying to but all hope I once had is long gone. Flynn and I had unprotected sex a few times and just like I thought, no pregnancy.
I didn't want to get pregnant so early on but if it happened I wouldn't be upset, it would be a blessing but nothing ever goes right for me. Besides that's no way to have a baby, we should both be in agreement anyway. I wouldn't want to trap him into something he didn't want. I hear him removing his clothes and he climbs into bed anyway. "Oh, was that not just a cover up?"
"It was at the time but now it's real. Stupid thing, I guess I'm lucky they aren't frequent but when they do come they hurt so bad."
"Why don't you get them often?"
"I told you, the accident damaged my womb." I roll on my stomach with my hot water bottle underneath me so I can look at him laying next to me.
"What can I do Ri? I don't want you in so much pain."
"Stroking my back helps with my cramps," I shrug. He instantly moves his hand to my back and lifts the top up so his bare hand can rub my back and I groan.
"Although I love to help with this pain, I want to know about your mental pain, Ri. Seeing you in the bath, it was worse than trying to find you in the sea that day. The water was burning me." His eyes continue to bore into me.
"There's nothing you can do, Flynn. You must have an important reason to do this to us. I'll trust that you know what you're doing."
"What do you mean?" he continues to stroke my back and it feels so good.
"I remembered whilst I was washing up. You love me, you wanted me to remember. I did remember what you said but I believed your lie."
"Is that what had you freaking out? I blame myself for messing with your emotions. I caused you to freak out. I should have left you alone but it's impossible."
"It's not you that had me freaking out. Stop blaming yourself, you fix me not break me. I needed to process in my head what I discovered. I don't want you to leave me alone. I've loved the last couple of days. I will happily take any part of you that you'll give me without further expectation. I was a mess before you drunkenly broke into my apartment. I cried all the time, I stared at the walls for hours. I didn't eat or sleep and when I did my nightmares were overwhelming.
"When you came in it was like you jumpstarted my heart again. You are my lifeline and I needed to be close to you from then on. Even if I had to endure Ariel to do it, it was worth it. Without you I'd still be locked away in my apartment dead to the world."
"Why do you call her that?" he chuckles.
"She acts like a princess and I don't want to feel too connected to her and call her by her real name. Please, Flynn, tell me you didn't sleep with her," I beg. He sits up on his elbow looking horrified.
"Riley," he gasps.
"Please," I beg again dreading the answer.
"I'm sorry, I have slept with her." I groan and bury my face in the pillow to hide my tears. He continues to stroke my back, "Riley, it was before us. I haven't touched her like that since I realised I loved you." I remove my face to look at him, "I wouldn't, not since I tasted you. Not anyone." He stops stroking my back and wipes my tears away. Once my tears have dried up he starts stroking my back again.
"Do you know what will help with your cramps?" he asks playfully. I shake my head slightly, "Do you want me to show you?" I nod and he smirks. "You ever touched yourself?"
I shake my head unable to find the words, "No, why would I when I don't feel?" He continues to grin at me.
"Turn on your back," he commands. I turn on my back moving my bottle out the way. He removes the covers off my body and legs. I squirm waiting for his commands. "Okay, take your panties off." I don't hesitate and slide my panties off and I pass them to him. "Well, you aren't getting these back now, they're mine. Okay, spread your legs. I want to see." I open my legs wide and he bites his lip moving to get a better view.
"Okay now, do you rememeber how I play with your clit?" I nod, "Good, now I want you to do it." I shake my head, I'd rather him do it. "I won't touch you tonight. I vow not to touch you again but I want to watch."
"I want you to do it, please Flynn."
He shakes his head, "No, baby. I told you, I won't be touching you. This is the only way you'll come tonight if that's what you choose." I groan, "Come on you never disappoint me." I bite my lip and move my hand between my legs. "That's it," he hisses through his teeth. I move in a rhythm that he would and I throw my head back.
It's not nearly as good as when he does it but the look on his face alone could send me over the edge. "Keep going baby, now play with your amazing breasts." I use my other hand to cup my breast and play with my nipple. "Christ, that's it. Keep going," he urges.
"Do it with me, Flynn. Please," I beg. There's no way I can climax without him. He smiles and pushes his boxers further down releasing his erection. He grips his impressive length and pumps up and down as I watch him over and over. Watching his face come apart watching me.
"You turn me on so fucking bad, keep going. Pretend it's me touching you." I groan and call out his name, "You're so close baby, as am I."
"I can't, not without you." I pant and he chuckles. He rests a hand on the inside of my thigh burning me and it's just enough to send me over the edge. Just one touch, has me spiralling. I scream his name and screw my eyes closed.
I hear him climax but I'm too lost to watch him. "Fuck, I love firsts with you Ri. That was beyond all my expectations," he flops down next to me and snuggles closer to me.
"Hmm," I agree. "Still prefer when you do it." I turn and lay my head on his shoulder so I can bury my face in his neck.
"Oh me too, nothing I love more." He whispers, "Well, I love you more," he admits and I grin. I knew it. He pulls the covers over us and I shut my eyes. "Sleep, Ri, I'll stay with you tonight." The cramp pain starts to return but he was right in that it helped for a while. I focus on his shallow breathing, I wrap my leg around his waist. He strokes my back with one hand and holds my leg closer to him with the other. It doesn't take me long to pass out with exhaustion.
I'm uneasy in my sleep. I feel my body tossing and turning. "Shh, Ri," he says softly in my ear and I wake instantly. "Calm down, you don't normally get nightmares with me."
"I know, I just I hate this," I whisper. I turn over to face him and he strokes my cheek. He kisses my forehead.
"Hate what?" Everything, can he not see that it's all wrong? I want to be with him, like we were before.
"This. . . us. I know you need it this way but I hate thinking I'll never be with you again. I hate not knowing if I'll see you tomorrow. I hate that your scent disappears. So many things I'm unsure of. I can handle the no sex, I just can't stand not being close to you."
"Well let's make a deal then. We will see each other once a day as friends. We can still be close Ri, just not that close."
"You want to see me every day? Won't you get bored of me?" he laughs making me jump, he's too loud.
"Ri, I could spend all day every day with you. So an hour or so is nothing. We can only ever be friends Ri." I frown at him but he stays perfectly expressionless.
"Why? Do you not like me like that anymore? Did I do something wrong? Is there nothing I can do?"
"No Ri, you provoking me yesterday crossed the line. You know I love you, I told you I'm fucked up. My jealousy and my protectiveness over you is dangerous. I wouldn't want to put you in danger because of me."
"How is it dangerous? I see it as a good thing, I need that. I mean that guy, I don't know what I would have done if you weren't there. You're quick thinking saved me."
"Don't you see? I could have hurt you in the crossfire. I pulled you away from that low life drug dealer. I could have hurt you. I see red Ri and I could hurt you."
"But you save me, do you not see that? You wouldn't hurt me, not physically. Is that the only reason you don't want to be with me? Because this is pretty pathetic."
"You don't know anything, Riley," he says irritated. He lays on his back with his arms above his head. I climb on top of him and stroke his hair back.
"So enlighten me, Flynn. Something is obviously bothering you. I want to help." I love playing with his hair.
He sighs, " I hurt people, Ri. Like really bad. My temper gets the better of me. I get into fights Ri, I have a criminal record. I don't know when to stop, what you've seen is nothing. The amount of times Tyler has to pull me off some random."
"I don't care about that, you aren't him. You'd never intentionally hurt me. You don't control me, you make me happy, I like your unpredicatable side. I like that you'll protect me at all costs, I need that."
"I've killed someone, Ri," he looks ashamed of himself.
"So have I, nothing you can say will make me love you any less."
"It's not the same," he snaps.
"Of course it's the same. Do you feel guilty? Sick to the pit of your stomach? Would you take their place if you could? Would you take it back if you got the chance? It's exactly the same, Flynn. I know you, it was an accident. You didn't plan to kill him."
"No but I still chose to beat the shit out of him," I shake my head.
"Yes but you didn't know what the outcome would be. You can't predict the future, I don't have sex to get pregnant but it could happen. I don't drink to die but it could happen. I didn't get in that car with the outcome to kill him and make my Mother lose her hand. It could happen but it was serious bad luck that it did happen."
"It's not that easy, Ri."
"Of course it is. You give me a rollicking for thinking it was my fault now I will do the same for you." He smiles and I pepper kisses all over his face.
"Not helping the whole friends thing, Ri. Considering your pantiless on top of me." I giggle and keep placing light kisses all over his face and neck. He groans when I don't let up. "Ri, please. You aren't making this easier for me. Besides, I can't fuck you on your period."
"That is true but I can still fuck you. . . with my mouth." He raises his eyebrow and I slide down his body. "You can still keep your vow. You won't be touching me but you didn't say anything about me touching you."
I pull his boxers down and take him in my mouth before he can object. I tighten my lips around him sliding up and down his cock. I use my tongue to lick the tip as I come up. "Christ, you don't fight fair." He groans as he fists my hair pushing me deeper onto him. "I can never say no to you." I look up at him through my eyelashes and I'm rewarded with seeing his parted lips. I suck harder and he hisses my name. "Mmm, fuck."
I push him deeper to the back of my throat enjoying the taste of him. My own Flynn lollypop. I graze him lightly with my teeth and he flexes his hips, "Again," he hisses and I repeat the process. "I'm going to come Ri," he warns. I groan my acknowledgement and the vibration has him violently expelling into the back of my throat. I swallow all his seed and remove him from my mouth. I kneel between his legs and he pulls his boxer back up.
"Come here," he holds his arms out to me and I climb back onto him resting my face in his neck. "You never disappoint, now sleep. You don't sleep enough for my liking. I'll be here when you wake up." I nod into his neck and shut my eyes.
I wake to a phone ringing, "Flynn," I whine. I'm still laying on him and he groans. He moves his arm around my waist and leans over the edge to retrieve his phone. My body leans towards the edge too but his arm stops me from falling.
"Hello?" he says sleepily. He lays back flat on the bed again. "Yeah, she's fine. She's still sleeping." I nuzzle my nose in his neck. "I'm sure she will be fine Abigail. I'll call you if she needs you." Flynn sighs, "I know okay? I'm working on it. I was wrong to completely cut her from my life. I will be here for her, even if it's not in the way she wants." I'd be happy. . . mostly to not have sex with him again but to be able to sleep with him like this. "Bye Abigail." He puts the phone down and it starts ringing again and I groan.
"Yeah?" He strokes the hair away from my face. "Ari-- Regan, what's up?" Did he nearly call her Ariel? I snigger and he looks down at me. Not that my eyes are open but the way I felt his chin drop and him forming a double chin. "No, you can't come over today. Riley needs her family around her today." I only need him really, "If you don't understand Reg then you know where the door is," I gasp at his bluntness. "Well don't give me ultimatums then, especially first thing in the morning. Okay, I'll call you," he hangs up the phone and it instantly rings again.
I mutter to myself in annoyance and get up and go the bathroom. I'm fucking up okay? I lock the door and refresh myself. Once I'm done I walk back into the room and put fresh panties on. "She's fine, bro. I know, I promised you did I not? I've kept my promise. I was just going to stick around and watch TV. You can join us if you want." I shake my head and he smiles. He pats the bed next to him and he routes through the bedside table and pulls out the TV remote.
"How do you turn this thing on?" he asks pressing buttons. I've never used it. I walk to the TV and bend over and turn the switch on. I walk back to the bed and I curl up next to Flynn as he's now sat up in bed. "Honestly bro, she's fine. I'd know if she wasn't. You can go back and shag your girlfriend now all you like. You don't have to worry about keeping quiet. You are fucking louder than her sometimes." I groan in disgust as I cringe. That's gross, "Just text me later when's she's gone, yeah?" Flynn flicks through netflix, "Bye Bro," he hangs up the phone.
"If anyone else calls I'm fucking ignoring it," he puts the phone on the bedside table. "Anything you want to watch?"
"No, I'm not fussy." I shrug and watch him as he flicks through all the titles.
"Johnny English? We will have enough time to watch all three today. If you want?"
"You like Johnny English?" I ask surprised.
"He's funny as fuck, I like a bit of comedy." I frown I don't see it, "Why can't I like comedy?" I didn't say he can't.
"You can like whatever you want I just can't see the bad boy who moans about everything liking comedy." I giggle and he turns abruptly and starts tickling me. Fuck, I can't breathe.
"I'm sorry, what did you say?" he says playfully as he continues his assualt. I gasp for air laughing uncontrollably.
"You moan about everything. You're the bad boy." I repeat in less words as I'm struggling for air.
"I don't think I heard you quite right." He continues the assault and I try wriggle from his hands.
"Okay, Okay. You are my protective bad boy who likes comedy." He grins and withdraws his hands retreating to his earlier position. I suck in some much needed air. He lifts his arm up so I can curl up to his body. He rests his arm on my back and starts the stroking process again although it's not as painful as it was last night.
He presses play and he turns it up. I find myself watching Flynn's face instead of the film. I've seen the more carefree fun Flynn than most but I'm still in awe watching him laughing and being an average ninteen year old. His stomach growls and I laugh. "What?"
"I'll make you some food. Pause it," I say as I climb out of bed. The film stops and I leave him in my bedroom. I wash my hands at the sink and proceed to root around in the fridge. Sausages, bacon, mushrooms, yes I can do something with this. I get out a frying pan and the oil. I put the Bacon and sausages in the oven. I hunt in the freezer and I smile when I find hash browns. I love her so much right now.
I place them in the oven too and chop up the mushrooms. Arms envelope around me making me jump. "You should have put some bottoms on if you're going to bend down like that." I smile as he grazes his lips over my neck. I continue to chop the mushrooms while he holds me. "You should come with a health warning." I throw my head back and laugh.
Once I'm done I turn the hob on and spin in his arms to look at him. He grabs my hips and lifts me on the counter next to the built in oven hob. He stands between my legs and I wrap them around him pulling him closer to me. I grab his face in my hands and I lower my face until our lips lock. He doesn't pull away, our kiss starts off slow and passionate.
His right hand holds the back of my head and his left holding between my hip and backside. "Ri," he protests but only with words. He makes no effort to move away from me. Our kiss only builds more urgent. We struggle for air but that doesn't stop us. "We can't do this," he says again. I know, he voiced his concerns last night.
"Don't think so much," I say breathlessly. He smirks at me recalling the words he spoke to me in the early stages.
"Touché," he whispers. His tongue pushes its way into my mouth. I groan when his piercing swipes across my tongue. I'm vaguely aware of the mushrooms sizzling but I don't care right now. "I can't keep doing this," he groans. He removes his hand from my head and he turns the knobs off on the cooker.
He lifts me off the counter with me wrapped around him, "We will eat later, shower first." His lips claim mine as he walks to the bathroom. He sets me on my feet and pulls my panties down and he helps me step out of them. He pulls the top over my head and then uses his feet to push my feet wider. His hand travels to the apex of my thighs and I push him away horrified. "What?"
"I'm bleeding," I whisper sheepishly. Why does he not look bothered? He raises his eyebrow at me whilst cocking his head.
"I'm well aware Riley, how can I fuck you with your tampon in?" I cringe and close my legs to stop him pursuing his route.
"But--" he puts his finger on my lips cutting me off. Why doesn't this repulse him? It's gross and I feel dirty enough without the blood.
"Do you want me to fuck you? Yes or no?" he doesn't remove his finger so I guess he wants a non-verbal answer. I nod feeling irritated that I can't voice my concerns. "Good because I need to. Don't be so horrified, this is a part of you and I crave intimacy with you. I'd only do this with you, remember that."
He pushes my feet apart again and I stop breathing, "Now keep still so I can remove it," he says whispering in my ear. I rest my head in his neck embarrassed. His hand travels to the string and I feel the pull as he removes it. I hear him drop it into the toilet. So we're doing this then. He cups my face bringing me away from his neck. "Good girl, don't be embarrassed it's a natural thing."
He kisses me and picks me up and carries me into the shower and turns it on. "Fuck," he mutters into my mouth. He turns the temperature down, "Please stop putting it so high, you'll burn yourself."
"I like being burned, you burn me."
"That's different and you know it." He slides into me and he hisses through his teeth, "Is that okay? Does it hurt?" I shake my head.
"Just fuck me, Flynn." I demand and he does just that. He rests my back against the wall so he can get more of a thrust. Flynn grabs my body wash and squirts it on our chests. I rub it over his chest and neck lathering it in.
"Do yours," he pants. I remove my hands off him and he watches me as I start to rub in the soap on my neck going in slow circles. I travel down to my chest and then cupping my breasts, "Yes," he hisses and thrusts hard inside me. I tilt my head back against the wall and play with my nipples and it causes him to move harder and faster inside of me. "You're so erotic," he pants. He grabs one of my hands and removes it from my breast and he lowers his mouth onto my nipple and I call out.
His teeth graze over the bud and his tongue and piercing swipes between sucks. I am so lost my body is on fire. Sensation is radiating across my body everywhere. How could this guy make me feel this good? Tears start to fall but that's okay because he will never know. Once his mouth has finished with my breasts I rest my face in his neck. "What's wrong, baby."
"Nothing," I sniff not removing my face from his shoulder. He doesn't believe me and pulls my head away so he can look at my face. He strokes my face as he now thrusts slower inside of me.
"Tell me, I know you Ri."
"I love you so much. I've never felt anything like this, nothing this. . . good. And yet you keep saying goodbye. You make me feel things deep inside of me, it scares me. That said it scares me more to say goodbye to you. I've never felt this strongly about anything and I'm to lose it."
"I love you too, it has to be this way. I feel the same Ri but nothing has changed." My tears turn into a sob.
"You keep coming back to me, I can drag this out."
"No, Ri, I'll just have to be stronger. This is the last time. Distance is what we need but I can't give you too much. I need to find a happy medium. I keep fucking up, I'll need to get better." I shut my eyes and he rests his forehead on mine. "I'm sorry baby, if there was another way I would take it."
"You love me," I say.
"More than anything."
"And you'll let me be near you everyday?"
"Yes," he promises.
"Then I can live with that." I can live in a world were he exists. It makes it better that he loves me and I can still see him. I should feel like shit which I do but I also feel happy. Happy and lucky that I have this much. I won't make it harder for him, I can see he's hurting enough without me provoking him. Even if my provoking gets me what I want. It's hurting him and I don't want that.