Mulligans

17. Parade

A week had passed since the barbecue, and Chase had still not spoken with Jarod. He'd left several messages. The first had started out with apologies and an invite to get together again. On the next he went for the buddy approach and made, in retrospect, some pretty lame jokes. He paced inside the guest cottage holding his cell phone in his hand, staring at it, willing it to ring. His hurt had moved to disappointment over the summer he had hoped to experience with Jarod. And now that disappointment was transitioning into anger. Why had he apologized in the first place? He had nothing to be sorry for; he was just being himself, being true. Jarod was the one who had betrayed him and left him for dead on the roadside, metaphorically speaking. Chase paced more quickly around the room, balling one hand into a fist as the other dialed Jarod's number.

No surprise, it went to his voice mail. "Jarod, it's Chase. You know what? You're a coward. I'm not going to feel bad about what happened anymore. And by the way, I'm taking back my apology. I'm not sorry—you should be apologizing to me. This isn't about being gay or straight or whatever the hell you want to call yourself. This is about being a man, and being a man means protecting the people that you love, and you obviously aren't capable of that so it's not like I'd want to be with you anyway. Not that you were in love with me because you definitely... this is stupid. Have a good summer. I won't be calling again."

Chase hung up and sat on his bed. He didn't feel any better. He'd thought maybe the call would get out his anger so he could move on. Unfortunately, he still felt dumped and it sucked.

He lay back on the bed and crossed his arms behind his head, looking at the ceiling. Tyler had been spending more and more time with Bre lately, which meant their time together had been relegated to working hours at the golf course and sleeping, but that didn't count. Chase had become quite accustomed to hugging a pillow and taking solace in its feathery embrace.

It all seemed to circle back to the question of what he was doing here. He'd come to make some cash working on the golf course and to hang out with his best friend. He was banking some cash that would surely come in useful during the new school year, but beyond that he couldn't say he was having fun anymore. It had all gotten a little messy since his coming out. And the strangest element was the fact that he was feeling closer to Tyler's father lately than to Tyler. They had an easy camaraderie. Nathan made him laugh, and he felt good when they were together. It was surprisingly easy actually, and comforting, like Nathan was filling a part of Chase he hadn't known was empty.

He wanted to feel again, like on the bonfire night in the woods or in the back of the truck under the stars with Jarod.

Chase sat up on his bed with a new resolve. He wasn't going to walk around like a zombie, wishing to live, wishing to feel, wishing and waiting to be embraced by life. He was going to start embracing it and following his instincts. A tingle ran down his arms. It was scary and exciting. He'd become a master at burying his impulses, and now the opportunity to let them bubble to the surface and follow their lead brought with it a powerful feeling—confidence.

He was going to have an amazing summer ripe with life and passion. Jarod wasn't going to stop that. Chase had just pushed out of his cocoon, and he certainly had no intention of being pressured back into its confines. The world was wide and held infinite possibilities, and he intended to experience them.

Chase stood and decided his grieving period for Jarod needed to end. He was moving on, and the best way was to wash the wallowing right off. Chase stripped off his clothes and hopped in the shower, placing his face right under the faucet and enjoying the forehead massage as the water danced over his skin. Admittedly Nathan's open-concept design was a little strange when it came to the glass shower in the corner of the room, but it was also very freeing. He had nothing to hide, not anymore. Those days were over. Just then he heard the guest cottage door open, and he instinctively turned off the shower and grabbed a towel. Maybe he wasn't totally ready to be free... or at least naked with whoever had walked in.

"I forgot to tell you. My grandma invited us all over for the weekend," Tyler called out as he shut the door and crossed to the closet, pulling shirts from hangers and stuffing them into a duffel bag.

"Had my fill of social gatherings after the barbecue. I'll just stick around here," Chase answered, briskly drying himself off and then wrapping the towel around his waist.

"So... what? You're suddenly scared to be naked in front of a heterosexual?" Tyler asked, turning with one eyebrow cocked quizzically.

"Whatever, dude. I'm not scared," Chase said, tightening the towel.

"Why are you being so prissy with that towel, then?"

"Why are you watching how I dry myself?" Chase shot back.

"Well, usually you parade around, jingling your jangles all over the place. It's hard not to get an eyeful." Tyler turned and grabbed a pair of cargo shorts from the shelf.

"Is it different now? Between us?" Chase asked, already sensing the answer.

"No, I'm just saying... well, just thinking of all the times before when...."

"So, it is different."

"Kinda," Tyler said, looking at Chase with a slight shrug.

Chase watched his friend as he turned away and went back to gathering things for his weekend trip. It wasn't supposed to change. It wasn't supposed to be any different. He took a deep breath and pulled the towel from around his waist, shaking his hips. "Sorry to interrupt your programming, the show's back on schedule!"

Tyler glanced over and then pulled his hand over his eyes. "I didn't say I wanted the show back on! I still have the reruns playing in my head!"

"No, you want it, you got it, pally."

"I don't want it! I want it to stop! I was just pointing out the difference!" Tyler laughed. "I like the difference!"

"You're getting a parade," Chase threatened, running at Tyler and flicking the towel at him. "Rain or shine!"

"I don't want the parade!" Tyler said, this time seriously, and zipped up his duffel bag. "You're free to jangle all over the place for the weekend—I'm out of here."