the universe of us

now

I stare at my reflection in front of the mirror. Though I couldn't get a better view since it was all fogged up. But I, of all people, know what is behind that  fogged mirror.

I laugh.

I laugh so hard I think my throat hurts.

It is funny how I still ache for the tiny pain I felt in my throat even if I have been living with different kinds of pain—a huge amount of pain all over my body and being. Is that even possible? I mean how can someone differentiate a small pain from a gigantic one? Can you even tell the difference even if you have been exposed by it for a long period of time?

Between physiological and psychological pain, I quite forgot the distinction of the two. All I know is I'm constantly in pain. I'm hurting everyday and I can't do anything about it.

It amuses the fuck out of me. Life I mean. People in general. Human beings. The true nature of existence. Why people exist? Why do we get to live only to prove the existence of death and suffering?

If that is the case, why do we even attach ourselves to something that is so fleeting?

If people that you love and care for and the people you get attached with will leave you eventually, why bother getting to know them? Why bother develop feelings, grow attachment and waste emotions to something that is not permanent?

The bottomline here is, they will all gonna leave. Everyone in your life will leave you. One by one. Either planned or not. Intentional or not. Your fault or not. And you can't do anything about it.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard a noise coming from my phone. I get out of the bathroom and started to prepare myself for the appointment I have for today.

This is my first and last day off for this month. Usually I only do one so yeah, today is the day and I happen to spend it differently from my previous day offs where I just sleep my way through the day and go back to work afterwards.

Today, I need to go somewhere.

I'm done and ready to leave but I didn't. I think I'm already late. But I still... don't want to go.

I grab a cigarette and lit it as I walk towards the balcony. The gentle breeze of December welcomed my presence.

I stare at the moving cars and people below. It was like a reflex as my gaze shifted to the table on the left side of the balcony. An image of colorful and alive flowers and plants flash through my mind but in just a snap, it is placed with a view of dead and wilted plants. I feel a sudden jolt of pain pierces straight through my heart and I welcome it like a regular guest.

For the past two years, I've dedicated my life and my time saving people inside the Emergency room. I only go home once a month and whenever I do so, I only feel like this.

Shitty. Alone. Full of regrets.

That's  why I don't want to go home at all. But I don't have a choice because I have nowhere to go. My home is here but it feels like it isn't anymore.

I finished my cigarette and put it away as I release a very deep sigh.

This will be the last time I'm gonna go there.

I grab my things and get out of my unit with a heavy heart.

"How are you, Prime? It's been so long since you visited me." She said while fixing herself comfortably in her chair.

"Good. Fine."

"You are a little late today. Something came up?"

"Not really. I just..I just overslept." I can feel her stare so I reach for the cup of coffee on the table. Telling the truth seems so hard for me so I tell lies ever so often to survive.

"What makes you decide to go here today?"

I was about to sip my coffee but I stopped. I place it back on the table. I can feel my hands shaking.

"Are you ready to talk about it, Prime?"

I sigh. I closed my eyes and tears started to fall like a raindrops from the sky. Heavy. Huge. Nonstop.