"Forget Me Not" {first published novel}

Ch. 3 ~ "Bleeding Hearts"

When your life is in pain and so is your mind you feel lost. Though how can the fortunate survive? Simply from the blood of our lost soul.

I picked at my fingernails that were once clean and proper. Now they were dirt-covered and filthy. I watched as my family chewed up their broccoli and pasta without manner and delicateness. They left crumbs scattered over their plates and over the newly polished tabletop.

They left a mess on their plates and did not rinse them off. Then they walked out of the dining room to the family room where dad kicked up his feet and grouchily instructed Kyle to turn the television on.

Mom silently did the same as me. She observed the filth underneath her cuticles and picked it out. I could tell she did not agree with the channel selection, which was probably football knowing my dad. She awkwardly sat there pretending to enjoy a sport she most certainly never desired to play or watch. That saddened me even more.

The night after my breakup was also a depressing night in our house. No one spoke to me, no one was smiling and all I wanted to do was run away. I wanted to hug somebody and cry on their shoulder until all the tears were gone. So basically until infinity ran out. I wanted to talk to Katherine too. Katherine was and still is probably my best friend, she's so funny, so sweet and is always there to protect me.

I pulled out my phone from the pocket of my baggy sweats. My battery read twenty percent. Why is it that whenever I need my phone the most, it lets me down. So I plugged in my charger and looked for Kat's number.

I found her name right under Josh's. My half-smile immediately vanished from my face. My head fell onto the tear-stained pillowed that was clutched by my fingers.

I selected Kat's contact profile and there was her number. I dialed it in my keypad. The ringing sound of harps that once made me realize how lucky I was to be in true love only sickened me and added to the collection on my tear pillow. Finally after about twenty attempted calls she answered.

"Holy crap! Al, what the heck?! I walk in the door to twenty-something missed calls. Who died?" She jokingly laughed.

"My whole life died," I respond negatively.

"Your whole life? Haha okay but I really doubt it."

"Think Kat, who was my whole life?"

There is a short silence in our conversation until she finally gets who I'm referring to.

"Shit! He didn't! What an asshole!"
She says angrily.

"What happened?! I thought you guys were, you know, like perfect."

"Not even. He started treating me real bad close to the fallout," I sadly said.

"Ugh, now I'm mad! How could he?!"
She yelled through the phone.

"You sound almost as mad as me," I said trying to lighten the mood but failing instead.

I told her I had to go just because I felt like being alone, right then. I sat in bed for hours and hours. Drawing, counting the polka dots on my ceiling, and lying down, attempting to play chess against myself. It was miserably boring and pointless, but at least I won every game.

School was starting up again next week, and I had not a single kick of excitement. I was angry, disappointed but most importantly afraid. How would I face Josh again? How would I get good grades and actually pass my classes with all of this stress and nervousness towards him? It was simple to me, I wouldn't. I would fail. All because of a high school relationship. A stupid high school relationship.

I started to cry again, loudly. I threw my fists on the bed and showed my head face into that disgusting pillow once again. I kicked all the pillows off my bed except for that stupid tear-stained one that I still had my face hidden in. My mom came running in the room in a hurry looking utterly horrified by the condition of my room.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" She screamed in a non-judgmental way, just her way of getting my attention quickly.

"Josh, mom! Fucking Josh is what's wrong! So what I'm young! So what to you me and him were never going to go anywhere past high school! You wanna know something, mom? Sitting in this depressing old house everyday makes me just want rip these walls apart and escape but no! You guys treat me like an insane prisoner in here, and I'm sick of it! I thought me and Josh would last a long while and be true or not, it hurts, and I'm done with all this crap, mom! I'm fucking done!" I yelled uncontrollably.

Her jaw dropped about halfway through my rant and I felt terrible yet amazed by what I had just said. I had finally let my feelings flow out.

"I'm sorry," I began. "I didn't mean that, I'm just very emotional today."

"I understand Sweets, but you can not be using words like that. Especially when they are towards me," she says trying to be funny. It's not funny at all though.

"Please, just leave mom. I'm really upset and you'd never understand the pain I'm going through right now," I said a tad quieter and calmer.

"No?" She began, "You don't think I understand, huh? Well excuse me young lady, but I've been through many bad breakups myself you know, like this one time the police came because-"

"He threatened your new boyfriend I know, I know. But mom you've broken up with every one of your exes, I got broken up with," I said frustratedly.

"It's the same thing, hun."

"Take that back! If you think those two are the same thing, then I don't even know why we're talking right now! Obviously you do NOT understand," I spat back realizing that she had understood even less then I had assumed.

"But Al-"

"Go!" I yelled throwing a pillow at her from over my shoulder.

She left the room.

I found the ugly pillow which now smelt like my cat's farts and just yelled into it. I was just frustrated by everything now. Everything.

I looked up at the sky that peeked through my window. The moon's glow was twinkling ever so brightly as if it told me everything would work it's way out. But how? How would I face the challenges that made me feel defeated? I sat down looking up at the glow in peace.

"What do I do, God? Everything is so ruined now for me. I get it, you are wise and all, but do you realize the pain I'm suffering? I understand that I'm sixteen, but Josh was the only one I would sacrifice myself for. He's my future. And my past too. Why couldn't you have made him wait a few more days? Then, I could've sorted this all out, I love him, God. I really, really do," I said softly with my hands crossed in my lap.

The thick cloud covered the moon's beautiful glow and I looked away. My room was filled with darkness once again and all I could see was my body and the painful shining beam from the brightness of my phone's light.

As I looked at my bony fingers that were neatly resting peacefully in my lap I wondered what my options were and what I should do. How I could recover, and how I could forget.

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