You Got It Bad

Desicions

I stopped struggling for a moment. I was stunned at his admission. I stared up at him. “Do you hear me? I love you. I realize that I hurt you and I’m sorry, okay!” I shake my head.

I push at his chest again but he still doesn’t budge. He grabs my chin and makes me look up at him. “You don’t love me…” I say, my voice still laced with my sobs.

He opens his mouth to protest but I beat him to it. “Love doesn’t hurt, Damion.”

His eyes grow wide at my words and he licks his lips. I search his eyes for a moment.

“Love is supposed to be a wondrous, beautiful experience. It’s not supposed to hurt.” Tears race down my cheeks as I speak. “Damion, I love you. I love you so much. My love is real and you know why?” I ask shakily.

He stares down at me but he stays silent. “Because I would never hurt you…I don’t even have it in me to want to hurt you.” I whisper.

He leans down and before I can turn my head he kisses gently on the lips. I push at his chest again. “If you send me away you’ll be hurting me.” He says against my lips.

I shake my head. “Please, let go of me.” I beg on a sob. His expression is filled with a sadness that I wasn’t used to seeing on him and I look away. It hurt knowing that I put that look on his face. “I don’t want to let you go.” I slap him, hoping that maybe he’ll step back and release his hold on me but instead he glances down at me, shocked. I hold my hand against my chest, it stings painfully.

“I want you to leave! Get out!” My heart is beating a mile a minute and I feel suffocated. He drops his arms and steps back. “Do you really mean that? You really want me go?” I suck in a deep breath, “Yes, I want you to get out.”

“What about the baby?” He asks. I lick my lips. “I’m not going to deny you your right to see your child.”

He blinked rapidly as if blinking back tears. “Alright.” He turned on his heel and opened the door but he paused before walking out, “Was I really that terrible?”

My heart jumps in my chest and I want to scream ‘no’ but instead I say, “Yes…I wish I had never met you.”

I close my eyes and then I hear the door creaking as he walked out. I walked towards the door and locked it, my hands trembling. I sink to the floor on my knees. I slam my hands against the door, “It hurts! It hurts! I’m scared…I’m pregnant and you broke my heart! I love you, I do but I don’t want to feel this way ever again. I can’t take you back because you’ll just hurt me again!” I lean my forehead against the door, I’m crying but my eyes can’t produce anymore tears.

The memory of the last couple of days invaded my minds eyes; I remembered how I felt as I laid in bed, tucked away from the world, my heart bleeding, and I never wanted to feel that way again.

When I couldn’t cry any longer I just sat there on the floor. After a while I got up and slowly made my way to my bedroom where I crawled into bed and slept.

I woke up with a head ache and an empty stomach. I looked at the time and shrugged, I didn’t bother to call in sick. I fixed myself a gigantic bowl of cereal and confined myself to my room. I ate the cereal as if I hadn’t eaten in days. Just as I finished eating my phone rang. I glanced at the caller ID and Crystal’s pictures adorned my phones screen. I ignored it, letting it drift off into my voice mail. But then she called again and again and again. I couldn’t take it anymore so I answered it on the first ring when she called again. “Hello?” I said with an attitude.

“I’m glad that you’re still alive. I’ve called you over a thousand times over the course of these last couple of days, what’s wrong with you?” She says with equal attitude. “Nothing’s wrong with me. I’ve just been busy lately.”

There’s a long pause and then I hear her sigh, “You’re lying. How long have we known each other, Danielle?” I stay silent.

“You told Damion you were pregnant didn’t you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it…” I said softly, hoping that maybe she’d let it go.

“So, I’m guessing he didn’t take it well.” She says. “Oh, Crystal, everything is screwed up and there’s no way to fix it.”

“Tell me what happened.” I bite my lip, “I really don’t want to talk about this.”

“You’re my best friend and I want to help you but I can’t do that if I don’t know what happened to you.” I sighed then I tell her everything, from my passionate night with him to the argument of only yesterday. When I was done she stayed silent for what felt like an hour. “Um…wow.” I can’t help but laugh at that.

“Wow? All you have to say is wow?”

“Are you sure that turning him down was the right thing?” She asks. I stop breathing for a moment. “I’m protecting myself the only way I know how. I mean, you were the main person that kept telling me to protect my heart.”

“You didn’t answer my question. Are you sure you made the right decision?” I don’t know how to answer that question. “I…I…He hurt me and if he could do it once then I know he can do it again.”

“You’re so scared that you don’t even know what you want! Forget about my opinion and how he feels, the main question is how do you feel. What is it that you want to do? Just let go of all that fear for one second and think about what you want.” I swallowed the lump I felt forming in my throat. I want him! I want us! “I know that I don’t want to feel hurt again. So, yes, I did make the right decision.” She says nothing for while then she sighs, “Okay then, you know I got your back right; if you hate him now, then so do I.” I silently smile. “Thanks.”

“Danielle?” she whispers. “Yes?”

“Don’t regret your decision later, okay?” My heart lurches and I get defensive, “I won’t regret my decision at all!”

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry, don’t get so angry. Just…call me if you need anything. I’m here for you, ya’ know.” I sigh, “Sorry and I know, thanks. I’m going to go, I’m tired.” She says good-bye and I quickly hang up.

I tossed my phone and leaned back against my head board. “I made the right decision…I know I made the right choice. Right?” My question echoes throughout my quiet apartment.