Who wants flowers when you're dead? nobody

13. the sadness will never end

Oli's pov

In the morning I wake up feeling horrible. I know I should be happy that today is the first day he wakes up in my house but I feel heavy and glued to my bed. Kellin is awake already and is innocently playing with the blanket gently.

He glances at me and I feel bad that I'm so depressed. I can't just smile at him, get up and go to the park. I feel like I have to mope around in bed all day, I think that's what I'm going to do.

Kellin lays back down studying me with his big blue eyes. Mine are a ugly brown color. He cuddles up to me and I close my eyes. He's so sweet.

-

As time passes kellin doesn't leave my side. He doesn't even try to force me to talk. I feel like my mouth is sown shut so even if I wanted to talk I couldn't. 

My mood is affecting kellin, he hasn't smiled at all today. He gets on his phone and then my phone buzzes. He gets it from the nightstand and gives it to me.

Kellin: how can I make you happy?

Oli: you can't, this is what I was talking about, this is just one of my shut down days that I can't seem to do anything

Kellin: are you thinking about sad stuff?

Oli: yea..

Kellin: last time you stayed in bed all day you tried to kill yourself the next day, are you going to try?

I read it and look at him, he looks worried.. Should he be worried? Maybe.. I grab his sleeve lightly and tug a little signaling for him to cuddle with me. He gets the message and lays down and wrapping his arms around me. I weakly hug back.

I hate living..

- kellin's pov  -

In Oli's embrace my mind drifts into a darker place than before. If Oli kills himself I wouldn't be able to take it. I couldn't move on. Let's say he did, then I would be homeless in Sheffield. Vic might fly me back to him but that would go so bad.

He'll force me into stuff and.. I'd rather die.

I like Oli, I want him to be happy. I want to live with him forever and never leave his side. Maybe I can make him happy like how I make Vic happy?

I look at Oli to see him blandly looking at the ceiling. I get on him and he looks at me. I lean down and kiss him. It only lasts a second before he's tuning his head forcing me to stop. "I dont want to.." he whispers.

My heart sinks and tears brim at my eyes. I'm not good enough. I blink them away and lay next to him feeling defeated.

How am I supposed to fix him?

Thoughts

theories

Questions

Kellin

Oli