Daydreams And Nightshade (DaN #1)

Chapter 46: Addicted to praise

"It didn't start off as anything serious," Noah said, gazing up at the morning sky to avoid the stares of the soldiers in front of him. Calvez had grabbed Cassius' hair as some form of threat so he'd continue his story, and Noah tried to find a way to tell it without enclosing all the horrid details. "I had to get out of my house because of... My father."

He lied, but Cassius and Winton had promised not to tell the soldiers about what had happened with Finn.

"It was just so suffocating. I couldn't breathe and it felt awful."

"I enjoy the look on your face when you cannot breathe though," Calvez chimed in, and Noah scrunched up his nose with a sarcastic smile.

"So I went for a walk. Thing about my family though? Everyone knew me, and my reputation wasn't exactly splendid, so showing my... Moody side..." Noah paused to consider it. Was that a good explanation? Explaining his tear-swollen eyes would make less sense anyway so he rolled with it. "... Wouldn't be great. So I headed for the The Entrails."

The soldiers didn't look impressed. They weren't there to hear about Noah's fancy life or angst filled emotions, they just wanted the painful moments. Cassius shot him a worried stare as Calvez tugged at his hair.

Noah sighed.

"I'd barely been to The Entrails before. Never had to, and was advised not to. I was so out of place, but most people still knew who I was, unfortunately."

He lowered his gaze.

"The glares and whispers around me were... Maybe for once justified. No one deserves to live in that place. It's a neglected side of town and my family should have done more about it than we ever did. Thus the stares. My fa—mother tried here and there. She had some of the buildings patched up and Samueli, a friend of hers, started up a proper orphanage. Even Eliza, another friend of the family, took in many of the people indebted to brothel owners. As much of a brothel someone could find there, that is, but it's a close to endless project. And even though Eliza tries her best there are many who won't, or can't leave their harmful situations. It's... Tragic. Even though Eliza tried to keep them safe, some just can't..." He shook his head. "... Quit."

"What's this whore ridden area got to do with you anyway?" Marteau wanted to know. "Had a lot of experiences there, did you?"

The other soldiers laughed at the remark but the corner of Noah's mouth twitched, and he looked up at Marteau with dead eyes.

"Yes."

Silence fell over the camp, and Noah glanced over at Cassius, who didn't look quite as surprised as he would've expected.

"It was..." Noah looked away and his mind couldn't help but flash back to Finn. "... The one thing I was good at."

Marteau laughed, still looking shocked.

"You whored yourself out?"

Noah bit down into his lip, flinching due to its already swollen condition. Not that he'd expected more of these men but their derogatory views of sex workers disturbed him. He'd suffered through people like them so many times before. People who would treat him like dirt.

People who would carve those words into my back.

He could have said it then and there, and it would have been over. They'd know how he got his scars and be content, but the physical torture would continue and the longer he could prevent it the better. He was honestly starting to lose hope but if there was even the slightest chance Ivan and Alexei would find them he had to buy them time, didn't he?

"I was approached by a lady. She explained her profession and how I looked like someone people would like. Like... People would appreciate me." He smiled weakly. "And it was a welcome feeling, I guess... For someone like me."

"So you followed this brothel madam just like that? Because she told you you'd be a good fuck?"

"It... Sounded harmless." Noah shook his head. "And I figured since my body was all I amounted to then why wouldn't I use it? And it was nice in the beginning. I was praised and complimented, and I thought maybe it'd take my mind off—"

He stopped, and realized he'd fallen back into the Finn track again.

"My, uh... Father."

Marteau opened his mouth.

"You sold your body to take your mind off your father?"

"I sold my services," Noah corrected him, but more flashing memories of reluctant nights, abusive customers and terrible conditions made themselves known. "But then... Things took a turn for the worse."

Noah had to think. Would they be able to use the information? Could they torture him with it? They shouldn't be allowed to use it on him if they had any.

"I didn't know better at the time. I assumed all those customers had their right to do anything, because... Because they'd paid for it after all. But the compliments grew rarer for every day, and they started taking liberties with my will and conditions... And my health." Noah sucked in a deep breath. "In the end those nights of pain and suffering became too much... So instead of money they gave me things to take the pain away."

To Noah's surprise Calvez almost looked pitying.

"Drugs?"

"Opium." Noah nodded slowly. "And it was a steep hill. Once I couldn't feel things, they treated me even worse than before and as soon as it wore off I'd be in such agony I'd just... I'd beg for more, over and over again. I couldn't stop. My body and mind screamed for it."

"Didn't the old lady help you? She must've put a stop to the mistreatment?" Cassius asked.

Noah shook his head with an attempted laugh.

"She said her place was the best I'd get. I wouldn't want to end up doing it on the streets after all." Noah clenched his fists and his heart beat faster in his chest. "And I knew she was wrong but I had nowhere else to go, and I couldn't tell anyone. No one I knew could know about it."

His breath trembled before he continued.

"And even when I realized I should've told someone I couldn't, because I had to keep going back. I had to keep going so I'd keep my addiction at bay. I knew the people around me would force me to stop but—But I didn't want to, so I kept returning despite it all. The abuse, the humiliating ways they made me beg for it..."

Noah's gaze was fixed on the ground and his breath grew even heavier. His thoughts and memories were jumbled up and coarsing through his mind, but he had to keep it together.

Suddenly Cassius perked up and looked in a direction with a loud gasp. Calvez quickly followed his gaze.

"What?" he asked, and Cassius shook his head.

"No, no, I... Nothing. I'm sure it was nothing." He shot Noah and Winton a not so discreet hopeful smile.

The entire group of soldiers then looked in that direction and Marteau glared at Cassius before turning to Calvez to whisper something. Calvez nodded and the two of them gestured to the soldiers to spread out.

As the attention was redirected, Noah could finally let go of his calm and fall into the panicked state his mind had been in. His face scrunched up as tears ran down his cheeks and the attempts to keep his breathing steady failed.

"Afraid I didn't actually hear anything," Cassius whispered. "But I figured you could use a break. And Noah? I can't imagine the pain you're going through right now, but thank you."

Noah could barely hear him. He could only relive the memories in his head and he wasn't even sure whether he was conscious or not. One thing he was certain of though was that it worked. His humiliating stories worked, and fortunately there were enough of them to keep him alive for a good while longer.

Unfortunately however, he wasn't sure his survival was worth having to remember those moments.