Scattered Landmines

twenty

Two days. It's been two days since I have heard from Theo. Two days have passed since I left his house, so he and Maura could have privacy to talk things out. Two days that fixates me on the blank silence, and although I am happy about starting my new job next week, I am unable to revel in the excitement of it. The reason being my mind won't allow me to escape thoughts about anything other than Theo.

This is what I dislike most about relationships, or should I say the beginning of new relationships. Insecure thoughts. Scattered landmines. The dreadful images that seep through the cracks of a budding foundation causing structural damage to the bones that you have built with someone. Now that we have regressed, Theo and I must go back to repairing the foundation instead of working on the building, that is, if ever contacts me again.

Just when I was getting to know Theo, I'm reminded that I don't really know him. You can't honestly know someone within two weeks of meeting them, but the deliberate silence after the time we have spent together is what I'm most confused by. I have shared private and intimate details about my life and what has assembled me into me. Theo knows the truth about what I experienced with Jake, but more importantly, he knows how it made me feel and how it broke me, devastating me. It's similar to serving someone ice cream who you know is lactose intolerant, but you serve it to them anyway. He had direct access to the inner core of my being, yet still serves me ice cream.

Our date went so well, almost perfect if a dated could be considered perfect. I got along with Theo's friends, even though they were significantly younger than I am. I was also accepting and understanding when Maura showed up out of the blue. So, where did things go wrong? I have picked up my phone numerous times, scrolling through my contacts to his name, but I can't bring myself to call. Permanently engraved in the back of my subconscious is my dad's voice from when I was sixteen. He told me that there is no quicker way for a boy to lose interest in you than by you contacting him, considering there is a "getting to know you grace period" before a relationship ever begins. He would tell me that even the busiest of boys have time for you if they want it, and it eliminates the boys who are serious about getting to know you from the ones who don't give a shit. Bottom line, if he wants to get ahold of you, he will. If he doesn't contact, he doesn't care. Plain as day. But is it as simple as that?

In this case, it has to be. Theo doesn't owe me an explanation; I just thought he was decent enough to provide me with one.

Lucky for me, I have a busy day to keep me occupied. Today is Brooks and Cami's last day of school before the holiday break. I created a list of everything I need to accomplish before they set off to their dad's tomorrow, and unfortunately, I haven't completed a single task that's on that said list. The most important thing is packing their suitcases. Yesterday I managed to do their laundry, but I left it piled in the laundry basket, not having the energy to fold it. A chore that I don't mind doing, especially with a glass of wine, was plagued by sentiments of Theo. Once the kids have left, I can dwell on irrational thoughts and fears, but today I have to take the driver's seat and thrust into hyper-speed of mom mode to take care of necessary responsibilities before they leave. Also on my to-do list is consisted of wrapping Cami and Brooks' Christmas presents. When they arrive home from school, we will enjoy a nice meal and open gifts by the Christmas tree. I can't wait to see the expression on Cami's face when she gets her new phone. The phone is as necessary to her as air is to lungs or blood is to the heart. It's not healthy, and I still have to monitor the time she spends on it, and when I take it away, she becomes a butterfly without wings.

Brooks, on the other hand, will be ecstatic when he opens the soccer jersey of his all-time favorite player, and the Marvel levitating Infinity gem gauntlet nightlight, which cost me a pretty penny. He hasn't received a present that he doesn't love yet. I could wrap up rocks, and he would ask me to take him somewhere he could skip them on water. As a mother, you can only hope that your children stay humble and grateful, appreciating all the simple things that life favors you. It reminds me to be thankful to Theo for exposing me to a much more positive image of how a couple can be passionate and authentic with a balanced lust and love for one another. It's something I wasn't aware existed until him.