Scattered Landmines

nine

On the drive home, my mind couldn't stop reminiscing over Theo and all the shit I have lived through in my past and how it continues to haunt me. I haven't had feelings of desire for another man in almost seventeen years — the last being Jake. Of course, I would notice that some men might be attractive, but because I was married with a family, and took our vows sincerely, it would have never been a question that I would have gone out and had answered. I only craved attention from my husband, and probably more-so because someone else was getting it instead of me. As I remember, it was never a truly loving marriage, and I don't recall him ever giving me compliments unless it was during sex. Such as, "Fuck that feels so good, baby," or "I want those beautiful lips around my dick." That just didn't do it for me. When our marriage was falling apart, sex became a chore, and a final attempt to bond us.

Make us whole again. I think I may have already had a foot out the door before the cheating scandal happened. I was sleeping on the couch while he was in the master bedroom because he had "the job" making "the money," and Brooks was waking up throughout the night at the time, disturbing Jake's sleep, so that's when he suggested I sleep on the sofa. More like demanded. Prick. To be honest, I didn't mind much, though, because I got sick of his waking up in the middle of the night to jack off to porn in the bathroom. Likewise, he was interfering with my sleep.

Now, this brings my thoughts back to Theo, and how I can tell just by the way he looks at me, how intrigued he is by me, how he wants me, how he sees me. I have caught him gazing at me more than once, making me feel distinguished and beautiful. It's exciting and new, but at the same time, it has me concerned that's what is drawing me to him. What about once the newness and excitement wear off? What then? The part that I like the least about love is the uncertainty of it. The risk that's involved doesn't always outweigh the prize. Every time I'm with him, I like him more and more, and that terrifies me. Jake, the man that was my husband, duped me, and now I'm left with fears that it will happen all over again. That any man or woman is capable of betrayal, putting another person's feelings on the line of their selfish desires and not giving a shit if they are crushed is heinous and immoral. I hate him for that. I might always hate how he made me believe in the worst overlooking all the good. Instead of recognizing the flowers for their beauty, all I see are weeds and what they destroy. Since when did I become so bitter? My heart grows heavy, thinking about how to look past the negative insecurities that inhibit my ability to open up my vulnerable side. It has to get better than this. It has too.

Once I arrive home and temporarily bury my cynical sentiments, I put the groceries that I bought away, take a quick shower, and throw a load of laundry in the wash since laundry is a never-ending task that will stockpile if left neglected.

The kids should be walking in the door at any minute, so I gather some veggies and an assortment of dips for them to snack on before dinner.

"Ro, I can help you with that. I just saw the kids walking down the street as I was pulling up," Nancy says as she walks through the door weighed down with sacks of groceries, and kicks the door closed with her foot.

"Thank you, but I just finished putting together a snack for them. The kids are usually hungry as soon as they walk in the door, especially Brooks. I swear he has the appetite of a teenager." I grab some of the bags from Nancy to lessen her load and help her put them away. I want to report to Nancy every detail about my day at work, particularly the time I spent with Theo. Since the kids are about to walk in, and chaos as we know it will consume us until after dinner, I decide to wait until later but am dying on the inside to tell her. I will, however, keep to myself the juicy details of our heavenly erotic make out session as I am sure she would be grateful for.

All in a moment's breath, I could hear the front door open, and the house went from quiet and calm, to loud and turbulent. The door noisily slams shut. Then the thud of shoes being kicked off, dramatic laughing from teenage girls, and Brooks yelling at the girls fills the house.