Momentum (Completed)

Chapter Thirty Five: On A Limb

(Lyra)

When I was finally sure that I'd made it far enough away that I wouldn't be caught even if someone had followed me, I paused to take a heavy, sobbing breath. This was it. I was done. Done with the pity, done with the sadness, done being treated like a child, done with the pain almost every move caused my malnourished body, done with hurting the people I cared about ...

But most of all, I was done being separated from Dolosus. I winced when I thought his name and a few more tears rolled down my face. I focused on where I was going, until I finally arrived at something that looked somewhat promising. Over a raging death-trap of a waterfall, a thin tree appeared to had fallen over, balancing precariously over the lake hundreds of feet below. I moved a bit closer to the wall of water, and, even though it was misty, was able to make out razor-sharp ragged rocked lining the pool below. 

Perfect.

I have been looking for a wild animal to antagonize, but this would be a lot quicker and a lot less painful. It would be a few moments of adrenaline, then it would all be over and done with. I'd be gone, Lexio would no longer have a reason to be so miserable, Nephele would be able to fully take on her role as leader, and Felix... I felt guilty, but I knew he'd get better with time. He could find a woman that wasn't broken. I was no longer  the person he loved, and he deserved so much better than what I had become.

I was a burden to my friends, to my camp and to the Uxors. I looked at the tree that would be my last contact with solid earth in my life, and tried to repress another tear; it had to be this way. It what was best for everyone. Especially me. Earlier today, I never would have imagined this, but I guess life works in funny ways. Every day brings something different. To me, it would bring reunion with my Animus. To everyone else, it would bring relief.

When I woke up this morning, everything was normal. Felix only left my side to bring me my slowly-growing daily breakfast ration, and a few times after that for private reasons. I don't think he was expected it when I suddenly decided I wanted to go outside; it was an urge I hadn't felt since before I was "rescued" from Russia. That entire scene was a blur to me; I hadn't been paying any attention to anyone we met or anywhere we stopped... To be fair, if Felix hadn't told me the names of the rescue party, I woudn't have even known who I could blame for my sadness. It was like I had been entranced by my own misery during the entire episode.

I was slowly gaining my perception back, but that didn't fix how horrible I felt. However, with my newfound ability to actually notice what went on around me, it lead to a very harsh reality, and being outside only escalated it to me being on the verge of suicide...

I had noticed that Lexio was avoiding me. Not only that, but he seemed to be ignoring my existence altogether. In fact, all the Insurgo did; the only ones I ever saw were Felix, Nephele, Sana when she came to take my weight and, occasionally, Kassandra and Dimitri. Once, I saw some girl named Allissa that was vaguely familiar .She didn't say much because Nephele seemed uneasy with her in the room and quickly kicked her out. She just gave me two feathers that looked identical to the one I kept in my hair when I wasn't petting, then she left. I had Felix sit them on a shelf facing my bed.

I realized just how bad things where in my camp until I came face-to-face with one of the older men that I had known for a very long time, but I remembered him as Torus. Felix and I were walking around the edge of camp to avoid others for whatever reason, but he'd still noticed us and had hurried over.

"Where on earth have you been?" he demanded. "First you just vanish for a week, then we're told that you've been captured by Uxor, then all of the leaders just up and vanish without telling anyone, leaving us to essentially fend for ourselves alone with a group of new camp members that are basically children, then Kassandra returns with a gigantic group of men. If that wasn't bad enough, there's no room for all of us and we have to get all this newcomers situated. Kassandra, isn't even in charge of our camp! You are. And you, Lyra, have been avoiding us for weeks. Is that how you treat your followers? Now, Nephele, who some of us can't even stand, it walking around like she owns the place and saying she's in charge? I want to know what's going on. We all do. This camp is in disarray."