misfits · calum hood

day twenty-nine

day twenty-nine - apoligize

☹☹☹☹☹☹☹☹☹☹☹☹

Someone was knocking on the door. Steph and I were both reading at the time, surprisingly. Steph was reading the same book again, and underlining sentences with her pencil. She complained to her doctor that she wanted a highlighter so she could highlight quotes and whatever, but he wouldn't let her. So she threw a mini-fit and then calmed down and used a pencil instead. I, on the other hand, was reading a dumb requirement book for school. I had been trying to read it for the past week or two, to no avail. It was so boring and I hated reading, so I was getting no where. Today I had set out to actually read some of it, because I would already be so behind when it came to school and I at least wanted to get something done.

Steph looked up from her book and obnoxiously yelled, "Come in!" and then started reading and underlining again.

I heard the door creak open and I looked up, not sure who I was expected to see. It was Calum; he was half in the room, half still behind the door, like he was nervous to come in.

When Steph saw Calum at the door, she suddenly slammed her book shut and stood up. "Hi Calum. You know what? I'm in the mood for a shower. Yeah, I'm gonna go take a shower. See you later, Vicky. Bye, Calum." Steph said in a rush, before squeezing past Calum at the door. I knew she didn't really need to take a shower, but whenever it came to me and Calum it seemed we always needed to be alone. Whether it be to just be with each other or get upset and scream at each other, we liked to be alone.

"Hi," Calum said, still awkwardly standing at the door.

"Hey," I said, thankful I had a reason to stop reading. Calum just kept standing at the door, not making any effort to move. So I got up, and leaned against the wall as he finally walked all the way into the room and shut the door.

"Um, hi," Calum said.

"You already said that," I pointed out.

"Yeah," He said.

Things had really never been this awkward between us. I didn't know why they were now. Calum just seemed really nervous and that made me worried.

"How are you?" I asked, trying to get some kind of conversation going.

"Listen," He ignored my question, leaning his shoulder against the wall next to me. "I, um, should have done this awhile ago."

I nodded, telling him to continue on. He moved from his current place next to me to in front of me, and that became even more awkward. It really felt like he was going to kiss me (not that I would have minded) but he had said he should have done this awhile ago and we already did it awhile ago.

"Victoria Jane," Calum said, and I didn't bother to ask why he used my first and middle name (I didn't even know he knew my middle name. I had probably told him during 20 questions or something dumb like that) or why he even said my full name in the first place. He knew I hated it but when it rolled off his lips I liked the sound. "I don't know where to start."

He was so close to me. I could feel his warm breath down my neck and I could practically feel his heartbreat (or maybe it was my own.)

"Victoria Jane," Calum started again, taking a deep breath, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. For everything that I ever might have done in the slightest to hurt you. I don't know if this will be enough but I damn hope it will be. I was stupid, Vicky, I was really stupid. I meant so much to you and I treated you like shit, I really did. And I promise you, that you are not a replacement. You are everything. And I'm so sorry I didn't realize that before. She's dead, and I still called her my girlfriend. And I can't imagine how that made you feel. And I know I shouldn't have let you in like I did when I still couldn't get over the fact that she wasn't here anymore. But, god damn, I'm glad I did, because I can't imagine life without you anymore. Life's just . . . nothing without you anymore. And I mean that, Victoria, I really do. And I really think I do love you. I hardly know what that means anymore but God, this has to be love. I don't what else it could be. And I don't know if you love me anymore after what I did to you but I hope so, I really do. Because you're my every thought and everything decision I make revolves around you. . . I would be so damn lost without you, Vicky. I wouldn't know what to do with myself knowing that I lost you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."