Again

Chapter 29.

I didn't talk much for the rest of the night. My mum and I were just sitting there until she told me to go into my room and she would make me something to eat. This soft and gentle side of my mother is not always given. She's usually stricter, forcing me into perfection seems to be her only goal. And keeping me here.

I first move to the bathroom, removing all the evidence of the black mascara that stains my cheeks. I wash my face to get rid of any make up and braid my hair onto one side. I walk into my room to get some clothes from my dresser, but before I change I look out of the window. The light on the other side of the street is off, his room filled with the absence of light. I pull the curtains close and change into comfortable pajamas.

Once I make it into my bed, I take my medicine as the door opens. My mother comes inside, a tray filled with cookies, tea and fruits. I recognize the cookies. The soft brown with little white chocolate pieces from Anne's recipe.

I force a smile and make room in my bed for her to sit next to me. I just can't think about this anymore. If I could just lock all of my thoughts in a chest and bury it deep in the forest. I would open it when I'm ready to deal with all these feelings and mean thoughts that my subconscious is throwing at me.

"Thank you," I whisper as she hands me the tea.

She smiles warmly at me. "You're welcome," she replies, and I'm thankful that she isn't pressuring me into answering any of her questions. I usually never lose myself like that. Sure, I did cry in front of her a few times, especially when we fought. But this time it was different. I could see the worry in her eyes. She might be strictly, but she does show her love. She just wants me to... survive in the outside world, as she said once.

"I'm sorry for last weekend. I went too far. I didn't want to be disrespectful."

She nods as she swallows the last part of her cookie. "I accept your apology. But now is not the time to discuss such things. We have plenty of time tomorrow."

I breathe out. "Does that mean you won't pressure me into online college?"

She looks me into the eyes, and I swear I could see them filling up with tears as she pulls me into her arms. I breathe in her familiar scent. She kisses my hair. "You know I love you, right? Everything I do is to ensure your safety."

"I know. But I'm not as much as in danger than you might think I am," I whisper. She doesn't reply to that.

"You can tell me if you want to rather be alone."

I shake my head without missing a beat. "No, I don't want to be alone."

She smiles, a genuine, loving smile and I begin to miss the times when she was always smiling that like that. I can't remember when it stopped, my memories are clouded with faces and names I cannot put into place. Maybe everyone's mind works like this? Maybe a lot of people have blank memory spots here and there.

"Do you remember when we used to make movie nights and we would take turn to make each other's hair?" I smile dreamingly.

My mother laughs. "Yes! And you would knot my hair into a mess!"

"That's not true, it was pure art!" I laugh. "I thought you loved it."

"I only told you that so you wouldn't be sad... I hated it, but it was worth making you smile," she says, taking my hand. "Although it felt like someone violently ripping my hair out."

We burst into laughter, almost spilling the tea on my duvet. I hold my stomach in laugher and she falls backwards into the pillows. I'm the first one recovering and I place everything on the tray, placing it carefully on my night stand. "What are you doing?"