#18 in TeenFic
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❝Don't,❞ he pleaded softly, offering her a tiny smile, ❝please don't make me a promise you will never be able to keep.❞ He released a quiet but deep breath, leaning forward even more, tilting his body towards her, until thei...
Nick stared at the screen of his phone and slowly dragged the pad of his thumb over it, all the questions that stayed dormant during the day beginning to pop into his mind now, in the dead silence of the night in his new dorm room.
A large part of him knew, from what Westlake had told him, that his mother was in safe hands. That she was kept under a watchful eye by a team of undercover operatives.
But... there were moments where Nick's insecurities came out to play with all the seeds of doubt he couldn't pluck out of his mind no matter the efforts.
How safe was safe?
Was it okay for him to be happy? Did he deserve to, while his mother was stuck in a place where she had to fight everyday to keep breathing?
Yes, he remembered her parting words. And it was easy to tell himself this would be what she wanted for him -- that she'd rather he live his life than keep looking over his shoulder and letting time slip through his fingers in her memory.
But was it really okay? How was it possible to love Bree with all his heart and crave for knowledge about his mother's state with that same heart? How was it possible to yearn for a peace of mind, then hold onto memories of an old life of misery with that same mind? How was it possible to hope for a better life while still being so tied to the one he left behind?
How was it that Nick's heart, and soul, and mind were being pulled in the opposite directions from each end? How long till it left him in ruins? How long?
How was it possible to aknowledge Dale as the brother he could have never had in Manhattan, and yet still love Michael so, so much?
Nick hated how his life had amounted to being one paradox after another, piling and piling and piling until he felt the steady tremors ripple through his world, as if it was about to come crashing down any minute now.
Everything Nick ran from only lead him to the very things that reminded him of what he'd left behind.
Loss, love. Chaos, peace. House, home. Blood, family. It was always the other side of the same coin. Always.
And life was grinning at his face, threatening to toss that coin high into the air just to see how it would land this time around.
Nick sighed, and turned off the screen, the room vanishing into utter darkness for a few seconds before his hand fumbled around for the switch and he powered on the tiny night light attached high up on the wall above the bed. It cast a dark orange, almost reddish, tint over the room.
