Beastly Love (Under Construction)

Chapter 12

There is a quote by Neil Gaiman, one that I've held onto for a long time, but it isn't until now that I am finally able to understand it. It isn't until now that I have known what it's like to have your heart ripped from your chest, thrown to the floor and stomped on. Hacked into pieces and set on fire by the one person you possibly loved the most.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it.

They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love."

I've stayed in this room for the past 4 days, only coming out to shower or go to the bathroom. My life had become shit, I had become shit. He came in every few hours, checking up on me. I refused to look him in the eyes, or even respond to the voice that kills me on the inside every time I hear it. He left food on my nightstand every day, I barely touched it. I hated him for what he'd done. But I hated myself more for falling for his bullshit. 

My mind refused to let me forget, it was filled with images of him, his voice, his body, just him. I'd tried to read my favorite novels, only to find that my brain would always jump to a memory we shared, or something he did. Even when I drew, I drew pictures of him. Neil Gaiman was right. I had spent year building walls around me, walls that no one has ever been able to break, then Aiden came along and they crashed to the ground like dominos.

For a split moment I let myself fall, let myself believe he was capable of love, that there could be something between us. Maybe we could actually work, maybe we could be something. But he just left me broken and in the dark, with a pain inside of my heart that wouldn't leave me alone. A tear fell down my cheek as I pondered the drawing before my eyes.

Questions flooded my mind. Why am I so broken? How could I love a monster, a criminal like him? What the fuck was wrong with me?  

I tore the page from my sketchbook and began to crumple and rip it to shreds, as my sobs grew louder. I was pathetic, crying over a man who couldn't even give two shits about me. Crying over something as stupid and meaningless as love. I loved him, I loved him so much that I hated him for it. And the more I found that I loved him, the more I began to hate myself.

A soft knock came from the door, causing me too look up from the shredded mess of paper I'd created.

"What the fuck do you want?" I half screamed.

He opened the door slowly and stepped through, walking until her has right in front of me. He sat down cross legged, mirroring my position. 

"Angel this needs to stop, you need to get out of this room, you need to eat." he looked right into my tear stained eyes.

"No Aiden what I need is for you to keep your fucking self the hell away from me." I snapped.

He remained quiet, taken aback by my outburst, but I wouldn't relent. "You said it yourself, this," I motioned between us "could never happen. So do me a favor and stay the fuck away from me. Because the more I have to see you and hear your voice, the harder things become." I saw a momentary flash of pain and sadness. What I said really hurt him, but seconds later it was gone, replaced with a hard expression.