Probably

Chapter 13

Sign

A/n: caution the chapter is quite long.

I walked into my majestic suite whose glamour and décor no longer amused and fascinated me. What had just happened down at the hotel reception was crushing my heart. Tears were rolling down my eyes and I couldn't stop them. To be honest I didn't want them to stop. If this pain was required to help me be true to myself then I was ready to embrace it and face it. I had had enough of this drama.

I guess Antoine was finally right. I did have a way of inviting this hideous drama into my life, over and over again. I was probably attracted to it. Probably, I would not have reached this peak of success in my life if I hadn't experienced this drama. Probably, if Antoine hadn't slammed the door on my face years ago, I wouldn't have realised any of this today. I would have probably not realised Antoine's importance in my life.

I know I have lost plenty of chances to get back together with Antoine. By now I think it's quite evident that we are not meant to be. But... what if this encounter, I had with him, was a sign for the impossible dream, that I have been having since I was 16, to come true? What if Antoine's stay at the very same hotel as me was not a coincidence? What if it was a sign for a better, brighter and happier tomorrow, for both of us?

Should I let this chance go by not searching for his room number or should I take the risk, yet again, and tell him what I truly feel?

I think the latter sounded like a better plan because I will manage to live with the pain of the rejection but I just can't live with more regret. I will not be able to live with regret of not trying.

As tears flowed down my eyes, the only thing that filled my mind were the precious memories of the two of us together before things got so bitter between us.

The late night walks in Madrid, under the star lit sky, are still experiences that I cherish. The two of us became closer than family because of these walks. We realised things about each other that no one could have ever figured out. Those walks made Antoine open up and come out of his shell. He helped me solve my problems and I helped him solve his. It was on one of these walks that Antoine told me that he was selected to play for Real Sociedad team. He hadn't told anyone about it because he wanted me to be the first to know. These walks, that we shared, made me realise my dependence on Antoine and his dependence on me. That was when I first realized that I had feelings for him.

Those walks were our way of running away from the world together. It was our way of assuring each other that we would always be together. It was our little secret.

No one knows this, but I always carry a picture of Antoine and me as kids in my purse. Both of us were in first grade and we were standing under a mistletoe, looking into each other's eyes. Antoine was were a red sweater with rudolph's face on it. I had gifted it to him for Christmas. I was also wearing a green sweater with Santa's face on it, which was gifted to me by Antoine. I remember how we immediately ripped of the gift wrap of our presents that we got from each other that day. We both had worn the sweaters almost instantaneously. We were showing each other how we looked and that's when my dad found it appropriate to click our picture.

None of realised that we were standing under the mistletoe till Maud shouted out the fact. I remember blushing and seeing Antoine blush as well. I didn't know whether to follow the traditions and kiss him or not. But before I could come up with any concrete solution, Antoine divided in and kiss me on my lips. He was aiming on the cheeks but I turned my face so... that was my first kiss.

This picture always reminded me of a simpler time when life wasn't as complicated as it was presently. Whenever I felt lost, I would look at it and calm myself. Today was no different. I took the picture out and just seeing it got more tears in my eyes. I missed him very much and I probably needed him more than he needed me.