He Wore A Hood (HWAH #1)

45. say it loud

45. say it loud 

I was usually good at holding in my feelings resisting temptation, etcetera, etcetera--

However, when it came down to Anthony, he had far too many tricks up his sleeve.

He would lean in to kiss me and I'd feel the warmth of him on my lips right before he'd pull away as I was about to lean forward- but more than that

He would continue to be himself. I was sure that wasn't on purpose but still it was breaking my resolve to choose the perfect moment.

It was strange actually, sometimes I would feel the words on the tip of my tongue by themselves. They too wanted to be said, it was just me fighting against saying it.

It didn't take long for me to realize that the reason why I didn't want to say it right away was less because of me searching for a perfect moment and more because I was still afraid.

I wanted to punch myself.

You see, it was ridiculous, I knew that- but the thing is your brain can know something and still not coordinate with your heart. My heart was trembling with fear. I feared that once I said those three words, everything would become real.

There would be no turning back.

Rationally, I knew that everyone dies at some point and if it's meant to be, then there's no stopping it- but somehow I was still fighting against saying it.

Obviously, I wasn't the only one who realized something was up with me prolonging the declaration of love; Anthony was starting to act a lot more antsy, and the playful hints he'd drop began to stop.

Around this time, I deemed it appropriate to call Ansley over for some girl talk-- except, Ansley couldn't come. Her and her family were on vacation, which was a little suspicious because Klaus said something about a 'trip' the day before and had been gone ever since.

So there I was, alone, thinking about how I would get over the fear of losing someone.

I trudged up the steps, resisting the urge to flail myself down them pitifully. As I was near the top of the steps, Grandpa's gravelly voice called out to me.

"Come sit with your g-pa."

I wasn't exactly in the mood for it, mostly because I knew he'd immediately figure out that something was wrong- and then he'd want to fix it.

Then again, that was exactly what I needed. Someone's advice.

I sat down across from Grandpa as he sipped from a cup of tea, from the smell of it- I was guessing it was peppermint.

Which caused me to think about Anthony, yet another pússy food/drink he liked to indulge in. Then again, I was a pretty big fan of tea myself.

It was extremely soothing.

"You've been dragging yourself around the house for the past few days and as your Grandpa, it's my job to ask what the scoop is about."

He put his cup of tea down and folded his hands ominously

Or maybe it just seemed ominous to me because I was already on edge. Whatever it was, I needed to get all of it out before I lost my nerve.

"Grandpa, I love Anthony but I'm afraid to tell him because of mom and dad and I really don't want to lose him but-but- I don't want to be without him either." It was a long blurt.