It's a Mixed Thing (Original)

Chapter 20: Trusting Yourself

Yesenia:

I dragged Alejandro outside on the patio just in case the others were eavesdropping. It's dark out here and the only sounds I hear are the crickets and our breathing. I don't want to fight with Alejandro anymore. I want things to go back to the way things were. Simple. If only it were simple. I can't get Alejandro out of my head and no matter how much I tell myself that we're not meant to be it's hard because it's not true. Alejandro is what I need in my life and without him I'm not as happy as I should be.  I like him. I really like him. I'm happy with Guillermo but I think it's because we express ourselves through sex rather than actual feelings.  I love having sex with him but it's hard to have a decent conversation with him without him getting aggressive and wanting to argue.That's not what I want for myself. I want for a guy to treat me like somebody and the only guy who does is standing right in front of me. He's what I want. 

Alejandro's leaning against the wall. His eyes focused on me. Curious to why I had to drag him all the way out here just to apologize.

"I miss you okay?" My shoulders drop in defeat. I'm tired of not expressing how I feel. "I miss being able to laugh and talk with you on a regular basis. I miss teasing you and just chilling no matter if it's on the porch of an abandoned house. I'm sorry for saying the things that I said I just felt out of all people you would understand my situation but you sat on the couch and you laughed at me Alejandro. You thought it was a joke and that's what pissed me off and made me say the things that I did. I regretted it the minute the words left my mouth."

Alejandro looked down at the ground and clenched his jaw. "How else was I suppose to react? I was hurt and above all I thought you trusted me enough to come tell me that that piece of shit was putting his hands on you."

My eyes began to water because it's just a lot has been going on in my life and I feel like I'm suffocating in a small box. "I was embarrassed and scared okay? I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't want anyone to know and when shit hit the fan I lost it."

Alejandro looked up at me. His cold, blue eyes softening just a little. "You know I would never judge you. I'm actually glad you didn't tell me when it happened because I would have probably killed the guy."

A small chuckle escaped my lips even though that isn't funny but it's probably true. I licked over my lips as more tears began to fall. "I'm sorry. I really am sorry and I'm hoping we can get pass this."

"We can."

Alejandro held my gaze and as tempted as I am to kiss him I have to get this off my chest.

"About the night that we almost had sex..."

Alejandro looked down once again and his jaw clenched shut. I know I hurt him that night.

"I haven't stopped thinking about that night. It felt amazing to be honest but I just panicked."

"Why?"

I ran my fingers through my hair and bit my lip. Unsure about what I was going to say. "I don't know I just felt like it wasn't the right time. I was scared that if I gave you all of me I knew that I would be in too deep with you. I thought that eventually you would leave me. I thought that maybe if I shut you out things would be different because I didn't deserve you. I cried myself to sleep that night. I wanted you Alejandro but I was a coward."

"I think what really got me upset was hearing you cry," he admitted. He heard me? Alejandro stared at me and frowned, "I was angry because you would rather give up happiness just to set yourself so low for a guy that hurts you. I wanted you so bad, Yesi. I felt as if I was good enough for you but you didn't want to stand up for yourself and end it with him. I'm sorry for what I said. I was so pissed off. In that moment I hated you because I couldn't have you. I do give a shit about you but I let jealousy get in the way and for that I'm sorry."