Find My Heart (boyxboy)

34. Too Many Regrets

A/N.  Hello from the beautiful island of Jersey!!  I found a spare few minutes so here's a couple of chapters for you...

Casper

It was three months ago that Emily had died. Three months since I'd felt anything like normal.

It was the guilt that did it. Guilt that I'd not been a better mate or husband. Guilt that she'd got herself caught in the first place. Guilt that I hadn't been quick enough to save her. Guilt that my children had lost their mother instead of me. Guilt because I should have been lying here heart broken by the loss of my mate, but instead was just wallowing over all the things that I did wrong. Me, me, me, why was it always about me?

I lay on my bed, once again sleeping in till late. Mostly I was left alone. Afterall, I was supposedly grieving for my mate. That wasn't exactly true. I was grieving for what we could or should have been. And I was grieving for my friend and companion.

Even though Emily and I were never really more than just good friends, at least I didn't feel lonely when I had her. Now the loneliness was eating its way through to my core. The only thing that made me feel in the least bit sane was being with Lyra and Orion. But for some reason everyone was suddenly offering to take them off my hands. Like I wasn't coping or something.

Maybe I wasn't coping.

I flicked the pin in my hand over and over, like some sort of stress relief toy.

I paused to look at it. I even felt like I'd failed her in that. I couldn't even fulfill the promise I'd made to Emily while she was dying.

I liked to think that one day I would. But not yet. I knew I couldn't take anymore bad news. And even if I did find him alive, what would I say?

'Sorry my dad drove you out of the pack, away from you friends, family and everything you knew.'

If he was alive he probably hated me. I know I would if I was him.

I tossed the pin badge onto my dresser and got up off the bed and wandered into my lounge.

I had only just sat down on my couch when there was a knock on the door.

"Yes?" I shouted, not bothering to move.

The door opened and a valet stepped in

"Sorry to disturb you, but Nathan is here to see you."

"Send him up," I barked out in reply.

The valet paused for a second, probably confused about the order seen as I never usually let Nathan come into my private room, but wisely he scuttled off without questioning me further.

It was simple really. I couldn't be bothered to move.

A minute or so later, there was a knock on my door and Nathan came strolling in.

He stopped when he was in front of me, and when I looked up at him, I could see that he was staring at me with a hint of amusement on his face.

"What?!" I snapped, rather annoyed at being disturbed from my day of doing nothing.

"Whoa, back down there, Mr Stripey Boxers!"

I looked down, and sure enough I was sat there wearing just a pair of black and grey striped boxers.

I shrugged. "Your point being?"

"Hey, I don't have a point," Nathan said, both hands in the air in mock surrender. "I just came to let you know that we've heard that the hunters are going to attack this weekend. And they've chosen Blackwood Manor as their target."