Being McKenzie Prince ✔

Dear Diary

I remember the first movie I ever saw in the drive-in. It was a few years ago. The name of the movie was;

"The Lion King".

It was already old by the time we first watched it, but it still had the same impact. Skye and I snuck in through the fence. It was before they got really tight on security.

I was captivated from the very first second. I had never seen anything as fascinating. I remember crying when Simba's father died. It was not really because he had died, it was more because I missed my dad who had died a few years prior to that moment.

It was the only time I ever cried for him and I hid behind the tragic death of a cartoon character's father.

I think Skye understood this and he hugged me tightly. It was one of the few times Skye hugged me in public apart from a few days earlier at the Red Flag.

We were both silent as we walked home that night. We did not say a single word, yet we said more than we had in a long time. We got home and we never spoke about dad again.

It was like he never existed.

Only he did.

I have been lying to myself for years saying that it did not matter and along the way I began to believe it.

There is this one moment that I will never forget. My father was sitting by the table in the Kitchen. It was the day before he committed suicide.

His hair looked messed up and he was sitting with his head in his hands. I walked up to him and tugged at his old torn Jeans to get his attention.

"What is wrong daddy?" He looked down at me and his eyes were blood-shot. He was crying. He gave me this sad smile.

"One day you will understand what it feels like to realize that you are a failure. That all those dreams you had as a kid will never come true. That what you have now is the best you will ever have. That there is no tomorrow, not really." I remember not really understanding what he meant.

"I wish things were different kid. I wish that I could have gotten to see you graduate, I wish I could have seen you in your matric farewell dress, I wish I could have walked you down the aisle..."

Thinking back he was saying good bye. He already knew that he was going to jump in front of a train the next day.

The last thing he said to me was;

"I am sorry...I...I am just so tired. I love you Mac and I love your brother and...I love your mother. I will always love you"

Maybe if I had told my mother she could have stopped him. Or maybe not.

My father was not a bad person. He was just tired of fighting a losing battle according to him. He was caught in a dark black pit. The monster already had a hold of him.

The monster with the name depression.