Letters To Myself (#Nanowrimo2017 Winning Novel!)

2,

Dear Myself,

I really want to address all of these letters and random thoughts to myself because who else would really want to read more about how I feel regarding living life and various people that I either get on with or don't? So, I invested in a lock on this book and I only know where the key is to get in. Last week, I mentioned about sitting mock exams so guess what I did this week? I sat all of the exams. Two Psychology, two English Literature, two Business Studies and one assessment for English and Maths since every year at my school, all students have to get their English and Maths levels checked just to see where they are at with those subjects. I did get eleven GCSEs at C and above but that doesn't mean you can't avoid doing the two compulsory subjects at sixth form. And I have to say, I've never felt so disappointed in myself.

I know mock exams are there for a reason but despite the revising I did over the Christmas break as well as in the New Year, I felt my mind not wanting to co-operate with me. Just looking at the walls and classrooms in the sixth form building made me choke up a little inside. Asking for help with things at times can be tricky because I don't want to look like an utter fool in front of my classmates but after all of my exams that I ticked off the list I taped to my wardrobe door, I just wanted to be done with A-Levels, there's no way I'll be able to sit my final exams.

During one of my English Literature mock exams, I noticed the skin on my arms turn a deathly pale colour and a rush of emotions wash over me. Shaking, I asked to be excused and went out of the gym trying not to brick it in front of everyone. As I stood out sipping water, Damien comes along and stops by to see if I'm alright. I just waved my hand and told him not to worry. But in reality, he had to confess to Mum what happened the minute we both got home and thanks to him, I spent almost the entire evening with her just talking and also rubbing her swollen belly where the baby currently occupies.

I think my Mum just wants me to do my very best, her A-Levels experience was rough as well what with not achieving her predicted grades, rejected from University and then fell in love and had me. Sounds like a scene from a movie. I do love her and my Dad but I think my biggest fear Diary is that if I don't do well, I will fail them and end up homeless. Like, it's a stupid thought but I've heard stories of some students in Year 11 and in my year in the sixth form being chucked out of the house and having to spend the night on the streets just because they failed their mock exams. How would that reflect on Damien? Some role model I would end up being. I do know for a fact that some students simply don't care, they would rather spend their time at the local park and kick a football about.

I remember when I was in Year 11 at school and about to apply for sixth forms when a couple of teachers climbed into a car and drove to the local park. They found twenty students there having a kick about and racing each other on BMX bikes. The assembly the following morning was a very uncomfortable and tense place to be. In all my time in education, I don't think I've ever seen so many angry and bitter people screaming at all of us that as a school, we work and learn together and not mess around and get compliant calls and letters from local residents. Even Mum had a strong opinion about the whole matter, telling the rest of us during what should have been a pleasant meal that I shouldn't have gone to that assembly because I wasn't even involved in the whole affair. Dad however said it was educational for me in case I ended up succumbing to peer pressure. Before words were said and actions got out of hand, I excused myself and ran towards my bedroom door, shutting it tight so that I didn't hear the exchange.

The good news Diary is that I haven't heard my parents argue for a long time. Instead each time I walk into my parents bedroom to ask if they would like something to eat or drink, I always see my Dad trying to talk to the bump but getting emotional and not letting Mum out of his sights. They do cuddle and kiss a lot, actions and feelings I personally haven't experienced yet. But life works in mysterious ways so maybe by the end of this year, I might have my first love. Guys have tried to win my affection but I push them all away because I didn't want to be in a romance with anyone since I'm still a student at a school where my classes are more important than trying to dye my hair and spray on fake tan (which I'm allergic to) and get into nightclubs as an underage minor.

Obviously, I'm torn right now between trying to follow the crowd and head off to University or divert away and go somewhere else to study or get a job somewhere. I have to say that careers advice is honestly so biased and stupid, lots of sixth form students have been told to apply for certain degrees so that they get more money but when I refused to budge over what I wanted to do, I was told to my face that I'm a disgrace. Really? The encounter has always stuck with me all this time and the negative thoughts flash back and forth. My parents don't need to know about that but they do need to know what results I get. I have a two week wait and plenty of near sleepless nights I can tell, just worried that I will be thrown out of classes and end up homeless. We'll just have to wait and see.

Going to have a warm bubble bath to see if that cheers me up at a little, locking the door so that no-one comes in to disturb me!

Yours,

Morwenna.