Letters To Myself (#Nanowrimo2017 Winning Novel!)

50,

Dear Myself,

It's the first day of a brand New Year but only six in the morning. Once again, I haven't slept. I just don't want to sleep not with all of the excitement and relief that saying goodbye and then saying hello brings. Michelle is still sleeping next to me and trying not to wake her as I quietly write for... the final time in this book. As much as I love keeping a Diary and trying hard to update regularly, it brings back too much sadness and pain from the moments I long to forget about. But I can't since I wrote them down in you. This move will gently break my heart but personally, it's for the best. If I ever want to keep a book like this again, I'll remember to write down the happy times and not the moments that a confused, moody teen like me will end up having a panic attack in front of the ones that she loves. I do have to credit this Diary however for giving me the courage and belief to start writing on a daily basis and then, posting her work online for total strangers to venture onto my profile and leave feedback on. I cringe looking back at all of the poetry I tried to style like the way poets that have gone on to become famous have done. I am me and with my methods of expression that I know will never fade.

I wrote a novel which was incredible but instead of being a one-off event, it isn't anymore. I have the desire to start afresh with some new characters. Even one idea I had a few weeks ago is something that I feel Camp Nanowrimo will be the place for it to grow: The love story of me and Michelle. There are many girls out there who have anxiety or end up leaving home early on with no hopes for the future. But by turning my experiences into a story, I hope that will make readers realise that falling in love can still happen, even when the surroundings look bleak. That moment I met Michelle in Waterstones, a place I felt my happiest in with many bookshelves that screamed out my name in temptation. Her world was somewhat fractured as well until she laid her eyes on me. That was the time I knew that living was the best thing. You just need to wait until it strikes, mostly when you least expect it. If that novel was ever to get published, Michelle would be credited as the main inspiration because that is true, honest fact. If it was a movie however... OK, all of the crazy dreams have to stop Morwenna!

But you see, I feel that by writing and using that as my voice, I can not only explore the beauties of the world but also, help others in the process find that special place that we all dream about each day and then, striking back in the images that cross your mind at night. Visual but not often beautiful, I see the nightmares as invisible demons which really don't exist and really is just a trick of the imagination. That's why I have learnt this through each entry I write here as well as my fictional writing. Some of my characters, I do base off of real people but now, it's the period of my stories that I want to go out of the box, I want to create characters that are nothing like the people I know (or used to know). This New Year will be the moment that I'll take risks. Not with the kids at the placement but with plotlines that before I used to laugh about and say that they were childish. Now, they are what drives me forward.

A little word of advice that I have to remind myself is that not everyone is going to like what you write and you know what, that's OK. The world would totally be a boring place if everyone liked reading cute romances and not thrillers. The bookstores and libraries that I visit with the wide range of genres and authors is what makes the literature home my happy place, accepted and not hated on just because I like to write stories that feature scary scenes or kissing scenes. We are all different, myself and Michelle are two different people but with one dream: To be together always. Last night, I ended up looking at Universities again online and spotting the chance to do Psychology and Creative Writing as a joint degree did at first, made me click off the page. But after a few moments, I went back and pondered through. The mindset, the writing, suddenly it all clicked. It wasn't going to be impossible to try again for University but I would be just that little bit older than my peers.

My words and thoughts are so disjointed but now's the final goodbye to this book, to all of the entries which I was happy in, the entries which I felt depressed and couldn't go on and to all of the entries with my writing and love for Michelle. This book in itself is like a movie or a complicated Maths equation. But all that this book stands for is honesty, pure honesty. Without that, this would all be fake rubbish and definitely not worthy of continuing to upload entries into. It's still dark outside but I'm going to write something poetic in here one last time.

See You Again

Pages filled with my own handwriting

Some have teardrops from when I was crying

Laughter echoes out to an empty space

One I planned to push away

With force, power, I slam the book shut

Hide it away out of sight from others

Days start to pass before I regret

The action I took to shelter the threat

Of triggering off my sadness

From past days

Here's to the day

I see you again

And with that, my girl slowly starts to stir and opens her eyes to face mine. This is it Diary, this is goodbye.

Yours (for the last time),

Morwenna.

PS: You weren't all that bad, you did good and I have no regrets writing in you and never will.