Letters To Myself (#Nanowrimo2017 Winning Novel!)

31,

Dear Myself,

I am now a student at the City College! It's been a long time coming and honestly, a decision that I should have taken last year and stupidly didn't but now myself and Michelle are ready to commence our Childcare course in a fortnight's time. Seriously can't believe that summer is almost over and what a time it's been what with editing, writing, snapping photos and pretending to be tourists in our home city. What a fun time we've had! Before I went to enrol, I had to get my A-Level results though from my old school which was an interesting event in itself.

I think my parents were there waiting for me because they wanted to know what grades were written on the results paper but if they were, my mind was sorely focused on bringing Michelle with me and trying not to physically be sick in front of everyone. Going early, lots of my former classmates were there milling around and talking about the offers they had confirmed and their chosen degree goals. She looked rather nervous and feeling out of place but still followed my lead as I calmly went to the results table and picked up the letter containing my results. They were as follows: One C, one D and one F. Exactly what I knew was going to be listed under my name.

Blinking back some anxiously stored tears, I felt my hand grabbing onto Michelle's and walking out towards the front of the school buildings in a trance. Wondering how to take it all of the news in, no longer studying A-Levels, no longer living at home. Everything seemed to be a blur that wanted to stay and haunt me. A car horn beeped from across the road but I refused to acknowledge it and instead lead Michelle back towards her Dad's car to leave quickly to the City College for enrolment which was on the same day. He drove quickly out of the car park and navigated quickly through busy traffic to drop us both off outside the main building. Carrying our folders with all of the grades in, we signed in and waited for the group to be called. The reception was busy, tall guys wearing tracksuits, girls on their headphones or doodling on the side of their notebooks. Damien had sent a message to me on Facebook but I ignored it until later on.

It took exactly three hours to be shown into a room, confirm the course we both were on and more information that was vital to know such as work placements, then scan our list of results just to prove we hadn't been lying about our grades then getting our ID cards sorted out so that once starting in September, we wouldn't be stopped by security and get into serious trouble for trespassing. When proceedings were finally over, I felt hungry, tired and moody like storm clouds. Grabbing a quick meal deal from the supermarket before heading home was a win-win and the relief of feeling comfortable was back. My writing mind has been back at it again and here are some more random segments of poetry. Yayyyyyyyyy... *reader now falls asleep*

Future

Looking forward

Not back

New plan of attack

Challenges to conquer

Goals to achieve

Deep down inside, I must believe

That if I work hard

Good things will happen to me

Never being afraid to ask for help

With the strains I have felt

Balancing my work with staying active

Will jump for joy when I find it

The moment that seals the deal

Back from not feeling like a loser

That was me yesterday

All alone

Dodging the issues such as leaving home

Now I'm changed

Back again

Ready for tomorrow

Moving past today

And also...

If I Was A Book

If I was a book

I wouldn't ever be alone

Sat alongside others

Displayed in a warm home

Or in the comfort of a book store

A library even

Children could go and hold me

In their hands

Chuck me to the floor

Landing with a bang

I can used for research for an exam

Or telling the story of a proud moment in the life

Of another who graced over the Earth

Letting others know what their time was worth

When the lights go out

And darkness sets in

The silence can be

My worst enemy and

Friend

I seem to have married poetry Diary, don't you think? I obviously have Michelle and she's been brilliant towards me and supporting my dreams even when anxiety and fear takes control of my mind and body. Maybe one day, we can find a place of our own to call a forever home? It's a nice thought to have and one I plan to cherish. The next goal is to start uploading some of my short poems online and reading other poetry as well so that I don't feel alone in my love of writing it. One thing I will mention is that Michelle's Mum suggested that I keep a writer's box full of pens, mini notebooks and prompt sheets for whenever I feel the need to write but don't have any ideas or can't be bothered to go on my laptop. The number of prompts I have are taking over the box though and trying in best attempts to block the lid from closing it. Hashtag the struggles of being a writer.

I am Morwenna,

A girl of hopes and dreams,

Writing to set her mind free.

I wrote those words above onto a big piece of card and have framed it on the wall by the desk to remind me that writing is fun and I should always be myself and not let other people influence me in who am I and what I do. Having GAD and depression do like to mess things up sometimes but at the end of the day, it's remembering what you've set out to achieve. I'm back in City College who at first rejected me and then thanks to Michelle changed their minds, going to start earning money again soon. Buckle up Diary, it all starts now.

Yours,

Morwenna