CHARISMA - the sweet unknown {PLL}

Gothic Princess

Dear Velvet,
I don't exactly know how long it's been since I last picked you up. A lot has happened. Most of it, I wish I could just erase from my memory, so I never have to think about it again. I don't think I've ever gone through a time as hurtful as this. I was pushed to the edge several times, my closest and dearest friendships seemed to break, my family turned out to be a group of strangers who have lied to me all my life. But I got through it, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this. I was lucky to have an anchor, that helped me keep my sanity, a rock that made me feel safe. Through all this madness and confusion, all the doubts and distrust, there was this one person who made it all make sense. At least for a while. Looking back, I'm really glad I met Darren. I would've never expected it at first, but he was my strongest companion during the last few weeks. He showed me what it feels like when somebody cares. When they see you and nothing else but you. At least that's what I thought...
I wish I could blame this on anyone but myself, but I know it's my fault. I played with the fire and now I've burnt myself. So many times I've denied the way I feel, to my friends and to myself as well. I played it cool, I really wanted to take it easy. Like an adult, like him. But I guess it took my heart shattering into a million pieces for me to realize how I really felt. After all, you can't lie to yourself forever, I suppose. I used to think I was into the fun of it, the excitement of doing something I shouldn't. Maybe that's really how it started for both of us. But at some point we took different turns. I just don't understand how he is strong enough to control his feelings like that. If he even has any. I'd like to believe he is as heartbroken as I am, but I guess his head is louder than his heart. The moment he brought the topic up, I knew right away. I knew that he was going to tell me he couldn't do it anymore. At the same time I realized that there's no place I'd rather be than right in his arms. I literally felt my heart break when he told me he cared for me but he still had to push me away. I believe him, I really do believe that he cares. The painful truth is, that he just doesn't care enough.
I'd love to ask you for advice, Velvet. What should I do? What can I even do to ease the pain? I'm good at keeping my dignity in front of other people. But what do I do when I'm by myself? In those moments when I feel my heart getting heavier and heavier and I can't stand to see myself in the mirror. It's just a heartbreak, I've told myself a million times, but it just doesn't sink in. I never thought it could be so hard to fall out of love with someone, you didn't even know you fell for in the first place.
I guess from now on I have to be strong all by myself. I can't fall apart now. I just can't.
Alisha

Spencer felt like she was trapped in her own little hell, ever since Principal Garner told her parents that she wasn't graduating. She hasn't seen Toby in three days and he didn't really know what was going on. Luckily Spencer had her ways to get around despite being grounded. One thing her parents had always praised her for was her discipline in sports. Spencer had already run three marathons, one of which she finished in first place. She put on her sports gear and went downstairs to tell her parents she was going for a run.
"Which Track are you taking?" Her das asked suspiciously.
"I'm going for the woods behind the Lichtenstein's house. I guess I'll be back in an hour or so", Spencer already headed for the door.
"45 minutes", she heard the demanding voice of her dad from the kitchen, "not a second longer than that."
She didn't respond. She pushed the front door open and quickly ran along the streets, heading to town. Toby wasn't working tonight and she was dying to see him. If she ran fast enough, it would only take her 10 minutes to get to his apartment. Her pants were tight and rubbing right where she got the tattoo in the warehouse. She has put some salve in it but it seemed to have inflamed anyway. By the time she reached The Cuppa she bit her teeth to not feel the pain as much. She used the iron stairs outside the building's walls and knocked on Toby's door.
It didn't take long until he appeared behind the door and opened it, "Hi."
The moment Spencer saw the warm smile on his face her eyes filled with tears and she wrapped her arms around his neck stormily. "Hey!"
"Woah", he hadn't seen that coming but caught her with his arms just in time.
"I don't have much time", Spencer said after she let go of him, "my parents turned into watchdogs, literally."
"Tell me something new", Toby joked and shut the door.
They walked over to the couch and Spencer let herself fall onto it. A 10 minute walk usually didn't exhaust her as much, but she seemed to be out of condition.
"So, will you finally tell me what is going on?" Toby sat down next to her.
Spencer's eyes widened, "What do you mean?"
She actually wasn't sure what he was referring to. There was too much going on.
Toby looked worried and reached for Spencer's hands, "You're grounded, all summer long. And I know you well enough to see that something is going on, you're not the same lately."
Spencer had avoided telling Toby about A. She knew that Hanna and Aria had told their boyfriends. And Alisha had told Detective Wilden, of course. But she just didn't know what to say to Toby. The whole thing about A was so absurd, she wasn't even sure if she really believed it herself. She didn't want Toby to think she was going crazy. What if he didn't believe her?
"Spencer?" Toby asked after Spencer didn't respond.
She looked up and their eyes met. "I don't really know how to explain it to you."
"Should I be worried?" he lifted his eyebrows.
"I'm not sure", Spencer whispered. He deserved to know what was going on. And she also kind of needed someone to make her feel safe. "A lot has happened lately. I know I should have told you but I just couldn't. I didn't want to drag you into this."
"Into what?" He asked.
"The girls and I have been getting some weird messages. It started a while ago and at first we thought it was a prank or something", Toby nodded to let Spencer know he was following along. "But things have changed. Whoever sends those messages tried to hurt us a few times, but the worst thing is, because of them I'm not graduating."
Toby frowned, "You're not graduating? How is that possible?"
Spencer wanted to bury her face in a pillow but she had to finish what she had stared now. "Apparently I wasn't there at one of the finals. They have no papers and my signature also isn't on the list. That means I basically missed the exam and therefore I'm not graduating."
"But you were there, right?" Toby reassured himself.
"Of course I was", Spencer replied. This was exactly what she had expected his reaction to be. He didn't believe it was true. He was looking for a logic reason. But there was none.
"You should let them check again", Toby said. He seemed to be relieved that it was just that, so he ignored the rest.
"Toby, they checked it several times. It's not just me, by the way. Alisha, Aria, Emily, Hanna and Mona are affected too. None of us is graduating", she sighed.
Toby took a moment to let it sink in. He just didn't understand how that was possible. "Who is behind all this?"
Spencer shrugged, "They call themself A, but we have no idea who it might be. I wish I knew."
"A?" Toby grimaced, "like Aria or Alisha?"
Spencer shook her head, "I don't think they'd hurt themselves like that."
"Why? What happened to them?" Toby was very confused. Nothing Spencer said made any sense to him. He didn't live in a world where these things happened so he didn't consider them possible. Spencer tried her best to explain the whole thing from the beginning to the end, or at least to where they were now. She didn't go into too much detail so Toby wouldn't get more confused than he already was.
"You've been carrying this around with yourself and you didn't say a word to me?" Toby wasn't disappointed at Spencer, he was disappointed with himself. How did he not notice this earlier?
"I wanted to keep you out of this drama", Spencer said and put her hands on his face, "I'm sorry."
"I'm here for you now", he said and pulled her in for a hug. Spencer winced and whimpered when he touched her hip. He had hit the spot with her tattoo and it hurt badly. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing", she lied and tried to smile at him, "I'm okay."
"Spencer, come on", he lifted her T-shirt and looked at the spot where he had put his hand before. Her skin was bright red and warm and as soon as he saw the little heart tattoo he knew why. "What is that?"
"A tattoo?" Spencer replied and grimaced.
"I can see that", Toby rolled his eyes, "it's inflamed. Have you seen a doctor about that?"
Spencer shook her head.
"That's very dangerous, Spencer", he gave her a meaningful look, "I'm taking you to the hospital now. This needs to be treated."
"No, please" Spencer begged, "I have to be home in 15 minutes. My parents will kill me."
"If they don't then this inflammation will", he dragged her onto her feet and grabbed his car keys from the counter, "call your parents and tell them you'll be late."