Falling Into Sunday

20- I Am Revealed

I need to sleep. I don’t think it’s healthy to go this long without sleep. It’s Saturday and I haven’t slept since Wednesday because the nightmares are getting so bad. Every time that I close my eyes just for more than a blink, I see Sam and Cole hovering over me and I can feel their hands all over me and I just want to throw up.

Emmett is out with Natalie and Eli is down in the basement with some of his friends while I’m up in the bathroom, searching for any type of pill that could put me to sleep but there’s nothing there. I’ve called the pharmacy about ten times a day since Thursday but they haven’t called me back with my sleeping pills yet. Earlier today, I even resulted in calling Benson but he didn’t answer. We still haven’t spoken since Monday and I’m pretty sure that he hates me but I can’t do much about that now.

It’s pretty late, about eleven o’clock at night, and I know that there’s a party at Lincoln’s house who is Brent’s friend so I know that Lexi will be there. I don’t really have much of a choice anymore- I need sleep and where there is sex, there is sleep. If Benson won’t talk to me then I’ll go find it somewhere else before I go crazy. I’m sure that there are other ways to deal with this but Mr. Erickson taught me that this was the way and I can’t find any other thing that’ll work. I don’t want to have to sleep with somebody just to be able to sleep but I don’t know what else to do.

I’m wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt with Ugg boots and that’s enough because by now, the guys at the party are probably too drunk to care about my clothing choices. I’ll just offer them a good time and then they’ll be upstairs with me in no time. It’s a terrible idea, I know that, but I can’t just sit here in my room and continue to terrorize myself every time that I close my eyes for more than half of a second.

I grab my keys and brush my hair before going downstairs. I take a bottle of water because drinking water makes me feel a little less tired and I need all of the energy that I can get. I relied on Monsters and Red Bull for Thursday and yesterday but I now have an energy drink stomach ache so I’m not going to drink any more of those for a while.

When I get outside, I get in my car that I haven’t driven all week. I ride with Emmett to school because I’ve been so tired and I know that I’m way too tired to drive right now but I don’t see any other options anymore. I’m too desperate for relief of myself that I have to try everything in my power to feel better even just for a little while.

Lincoln’s house isn’t that far away so I’m sure that I can make it and be just fine. I back out of the driveway with my windows open. It’s pretty cold outside so it wakes me up a little bit and I turn the radio up pretty loud because I’ve heard that loud music helps people stay alert while driving. It’s not like I can go to sleep anyway, because if my eyes close for more than that half of a second, I see those memories and I open them again. I’m trapped in consciousness and I want out. I just want to sleep.

I’m halfway to the party when I start to close my eyes again. Behind my eyelids, I see Sam grinning at me and just as my car runs into a brick “Welcome to Green Oaks” sign, he says “boo!” and I open them again with a jolt.

“What the fuck,” I mutter to myself, turning the car off and getting out to go investigate the damage that I just did to my car. I knew this was a bad idea. My dad is going to freak out when he sees this. I mean, I’ll pay for the repairs myself (Mr. Erickson’s credit card doesn’t stop working until next week) but he’ll put more emphasis on increasing my visits to Dr. Rosen and I don’t want that at all.

Luckily, the brick welcome sign is just fine so I won’t get fined or arrested or anything. Unluckily, the front of my car has an enormous dent where it impacted with the sign and the headlight is smashed.