I'm just kind of laying here looking at the stars, and thinking. I think I need to say this now before its to late. It's dumb but it needs to be done so here it goes. If im honest I'm scared to be your friend again. I remember a lot of what you said before, when you decided you didn't like me anymore or whatever. It wouldn't have bothered me all that much had I not liked you all that much but I did and I can say that it pretty much shattered me. I'm scared that I'm still not over you completely and if I were to be your friend, I'd end up being hurt all over again. I can't handle it. It kind of killed me last time. I respect you as a person and I want the best for you but I want you to make that choice if you get what I'm saying. I won't ever cross boundaries (knowingly). Still yet this is more about me being scared shitless about being once again close to the person that kinda low-key broke my heart. I can't decide what to do and I thought maybe if I typed all of this out, I'd get some kind of answer. So far that's not the case. To be honest I don't see myself ever sending this to you. It's probably just gonna sit in this book of poetry that I've been writing all year. Pretty gay I know. I write poems lmao. I don't think I properly explained what im trying to say and honestly now that I have this all typed up it's kinda starting to sound dumb. I guess the whole point of this is me trying to say some stupid metaphor like: I hope I didn't just being a knife to a gunfight, because that's how this is starting to feel.
You know all I was ever good at was metaphors. I always hid behind them like they were shields and in a way, they are. Always thought it was funny, you never understood my metaphors. You also never questioned it. Made me wonder if you took them literally. Guess I'll never know.
I missed you. I really did and I know you don't really believe when I say that but I also don't know if I really believe that you're willing to be my friend once again. This time I want to be the smart one, this time I want to be the one in control.
So that's why I'm here.
That's why I typed all this out.
All I want this time around is control, and I'm not asking you for it. I'm asking myself.
It's getting late I should sleep. Good night, and I hope you sleep well. Hope this rolls around in your head a little bit at least. Get back to me tomorrow.
