Tinder - D.JH.

thirty-five

     I lay on my bed, looking up at the ceiling, thinking about what Adam had said. About fifteen minutes into this act, everything around me had gone fuzzy, like when you don't have signal on your television. All I could think about was what he said. And Dan.

I think about Dan so hard that soon, I see falling orange leaves above me, a brisk breeze on my cheeks.

     I feel someone grab my hand. Looking over, I see a smiley Dan, laying beside me.

     "It smells like Autumn."

     "It does."

     "This is my favourite time of year."

     "Me, too. Everything is so..."

     "Spoopy."

     "I was gonna say cozy, but spoopy works, too."

     I remember laughing.

     Dan turns on his side.

     "Maya Coleman."

     "Daniel Howell."

     "Would you do me the honour of hugging me?"

     "Hugging you?"

     "Yes."

     "Of course."

     We hug, making it feel so warm and safe and...real.

     Then, we pull away. His hands are still on my waist. He pulls a red leaf out of my hair. Then, our lips connect.

I blink myself out of the memory. I'm still laying down, all that's above me is a white ceiling. No red leaves falling, no cool breeze. No boy beside me to make everything feel better.

     I sigh, wiping the wetness from my eyes. I stand up, going to the bathroom to rinse off my face. Looking up at myself in the reflection, I see that my nose is red and my eyes are puffy. But there's something else. Something different about my face. I can't put my finger on it, but something is wrong.

      Giving up, I stomp back to my bed and cower under the covers, not wanting to give attention to anyone or anything.

      I miss Dan. I miss my idea of Dan. The person who brings me coffee when I've had a bad day and cuddles up into my side when we sleep and goes through my wardrobe when he wants something to wear. I miss my Dan.

     The next two days went on like clockwork. Really fast, as if my life were in fast forward mode and time was just a disproven theory. I barely ate, barely slept, barely talked. Not because I was feeling poorly, but because I felt like I didn't need to. The pit in my stomach had stayed, maybe even grown more, ever since then. The edges of my vision continued to blur and go grainy, which creeped me out beyond belief. Regardless, Dr. Sanchez had said I was making progress and I believed him. I didn't feel any better but if I functioned better then maybe this was all worth it.

I rarely talked to Adam, although he is just across the hall from me. Something seems off about him. Him and Dr. Sanchez are such opposites. It makes my brain hurt deciding which one to believe.

On one hand, this could all very well be a simulation or some kind of dream. With my blurry vision, headaches, and no need to eat or drink that I have. On the other, maybe the blurry vision comes from the medicine I'm taking and maybe the headaches are my body telling me I need nutrition.

If I think about it for too long, my brain gets jumbled and I lose my train of thought.

All I know is that I secretly want Dan back. The only person who's still rooting for my escape, so to say, is Adam. Dr. Sanchez has no idea of how I'm still holding on to strings of what and where I used to be.

     "Maya?" rings through my crack of my door, echoing through my room as I just turn my head to the side.

     "Yeah?" I say and Adam steps in, a duffle bag over his shoulder.

     "I'm being discharged today." he says.

     Adam and I weren't really the type of friends for physical contact, but when he told me he was leaving, I got up and walked to him, wrapping my now thinner arms around his shoulders. He hugs back after letting his duffle bag fall to the floor, his arms respectively settling above my waist.

     "It's been fun, kiddo." he says, resting his chin on the top of my head.

     "This has been fun for neither of us." I say, laughing.

     "Yeah, you're right, but—," he grabs my shoulders, pulling me away so I can meet his eyes. "But don't give up. I know the real Dan, the one with you, is out there somewhere. Please, find him." Adam says sternly.

     "I—," I pause for a second, thinking.

     "I will."