Zalfie - How to Live

12. New Year's

Once more I found myself in Joe's house with lots of people I didn't know. Zoe had practically begged me to come.

Of course, I couldn't refuse. Who could?

So there I was, sat with the love of my life, counting down to a new year.

For ten seconds everything was in slow motion. Hannah beating on her legs as she counted down the seconds. Troye and Tyler, both looking at the tv screen where the ball was dropping. And then Zoe leaning in and whispering in my ear, "Ready for a new beginning?

And then I was picked up in the heat of the moment and chanting with them all:

"Three."

"Two!"

"ONE!"

And then Zoe leaned into kiss me and everyone laughed with relief as we let all the worries from last year leave our shoulders and we thought about how great this year was going to be.

"Let's casually exit this scene," Zoe said. I liked that phrase. Our lives were like a play--we were constantly entering and exiting rooms and peoples' lives. We were constantly spouting out lines that were great and powerful.

Of course, the giant difference is that life has no script, even though maybe it should.

But, of course, alone time with Zoe is alone time with Zoe, so I slipped off the couch with her and out the front door and into her convertible.

She looked at me once and then began to start the car. After a few minutes of silence she finally said, "What's your resolution?"

I gave her a sideways glance. "To learn how to live," I said with a little smile.

Zoe turned to me and gave me a smile, but her eyes were the saddest eyes I had ever seen and I didn't understand why she was so sad, because it was New Year's and everything was new and fresh and there was snow on the ground.

"Oh, Alfie," she said quietly, sounding as if she was going to cry. "You already know how to live."

And then she pulled up to a sign that read "Wright's Playground" and got out of the car with me following her.

"What's your resolution?" I called as the snow crunched beneath our feet.

She was walking quite a few yards in front of me and upon hearing that question she stopped walking.

"I want to be a better person," she said simply and then turned back around and began walking very fast away from me.

I took my time getting to the tree she was sitting under. The tree on the hill that did not yet have a box in it. And the box did not yet have a mix tape, eulogy or a picture inside of it.

When I did finally reach the tree, we both sat on the cold ground and looked up at the stars. And I was hit by just how many stars there were in the sky--and just how many we couldn't see because of pollution.

And then I thought that people could be applied to that too.

After a few minutes, Zoe interrupted my thoughts by saying "Ask me again."

And, though I wasn't quite sure about the question she had in mind, I said, "What are your resolutions?"

She took a deep breath. "This year I'm going to stop smoking. And I'm going to eat like a regular person. And I'm going to stop drinking and stripping. And I'm going to focus on classes. And I'm going to spend more time with Joe. And I'm going to be a better girlfriend to you."

And then she leaned in to me and I wrapped my arm around her, my heart fluttering because she had said that she was my girlfriend.

And we stared at the sky some more.

Isn't this nice? I thought to myself as she snuggled into my arm a bit more. We're like a romantic movie.

But at the same time, I didn't really want to be a romantic movie because those things are cheesy as hell.

And then she added, "I'm tired of being the kind of person I am, Alfie. I exhaust myself."

I nodded, because I got that. I wanted to change myself. I wanted to become some great and powerful being, who went on amazing adventures and had interesting thoughts. Who kissed Zoe and dug for my own bottles of wine and had streaks to maintain.

"But for now at least I knew such [a person] and [she] needed me as comets need tails."

And so at least we could sit under the tree and gaze up at the stars, not completely happy but not really sad either.

I dug into my pocket and pulled out my Walkman, which still had the tape Zoe made for me in it.

How Can You Swallow So Much Sleep? by the Bombay Bicycle Club burst out of the speaker.

I closed my eyes and listened to the lyrics:

"Can I wake you up?

Can I wake you up?

Is it late enough?

Is it late enough?

There's a story in which my eyes shut,

Could she back me up?

Could she back me up?

Could she back me up?"

And, if infinite really was a feeling (which I believe it is), then I think it's when you're both happy and sad. When there's a song that describes your life perfectly on.

So I guess, in that moment, I felt infinite.