Sex in Sochi

Rhythmic Gymnastics

   The crowd roared with applause as the music ended. The Russian gymnast caught her breath as the sweat dripped down her taut frame. Her makeup was done exquisitely and a ribbon the color of her flag was tied into her hair. The rest was as nude as the day she had come to life.

   “Fantastic performance by Anastasia Dominika of Russia. Her grace and poise will surely give her a strong score with the judges today,” Abel beamed into the camera. “And that revealing handstand split is sure to help!” He winked and Hodor signaled a thumbs up to end the shot.

   “Three minutes,” Hodor said.

   Abel nodded and began to practice his vocal techniques. “Huhmuhnahmuhumuhnahmuh. Squee! Squee! Squee! Girblurglirburgirblurglirbur…”

    Hodor checked his tripod. He did not want another accident like the Tae Kwon Judo event. It had taken some serious sneaking to get his wheel back. He checked his watch and signaled one minute to Abel.

   Abel nodded and gulped down have a bottle of water. He fixed his tie and checked his hair. “Ready.”

   Hodor counted him in.

   “Welcome back to the daily live segment of ‘Sex in Sochi’! We just saw a stunning performance by the Russian beauty, and the judges are ready to announce the scores.”

   Hodor aimed the camera towards the judges table. One old man sat next to a scowling woman with a mole and a younger woman with poofy hair. One by one they raised their cards, and the crowd roared again.

   “A total of twenty-eight! The highest yet. In fact, if I’m not mistaken, that may be the current world record for the Sex Olympics in ribbon.” He pushed his earpiece into his ear. “Yes! It’s official. Ms. Dominika has just landed herself the highest Ribbon score ever given out at these games! Congratulations to her! Now if the rest of her teammates keep up her success, Russia will have this win easily.”

   The next Russian contestant walked onto the stage.

   “And here’s her teammate Darya Valentina, who will be performing the Ball portion of the full ensemble.”

   The large-breasted girl positioned herself in the middle of the floor and held two heavy balls in a single hand. She took a pose and waited for the music. On the first note, she gracefully lay on the floor and rested the balls on her chin. On the next note, she rolled them down her body without using any hands. On the third note, she brought them to her hips and caught them between her legs. With more notes, she got up and danced without dropping them. Flips and cartwheels and beautiful juggling accompanied the music, and the audience was held captivated the entire time. When the girl finally ended her routine, sweat dripping across her body, the crowd roared.

   “A twenty-six! Another solid score from the Russian beauties. It’s looking harder and harder for any other team to take home the gold this year.”

   A new Russian girl replaced the old. This one had a build that would shame some casual body-builders, and her short height only made her look bigger. She carried a large hoop colored in white, blue, and red and stood with it above her head, waiting for the start of the routine. The music was a slow organ piece and the gymnast began to pump her hips at a slow pace into the hoop. As the music sped up, so did her thrusts until a crescendo made her throw her arm into the air and let out a loud yell.

   The music fell to a more calm piano and organ melody. The girl fell into a fetal position and let the ring drop around her. Slowly she unraveled herself and picked up the hoop. Trumpets that sounded just like a crying baby played, and the performer slowly poked her head through the hole. Then she pushed a shoulder through. Then another. The trumpets blared. She pushed her chest and hips through. The organ groaned. She fell through to the other side. Then silence. Two seconds later, the girl let out a cry that sounded almost too much like a newborn babe. Then silence again.

   Abel wiped a tear from his eye. “That was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.” He was unable to continue, so Hodor signalled a cut to the commercials. “Sorry, mate. Just got a bit emotional there.”

   Hodor grunted, “Two minutes.”

   Abel nodded. “I’m glad that miscreant Alex isn’t here to ruin our coverage this time.”

   Hodor chuckled.

   “We’ll have to teach her a bit about professionalism,” he threatened.

   “One minute,” Hodor said.

   Abel wiped his eye and fixed his tie. Hodor signalled him in. “Welcome back to a stunning - no, astonishing set of performances by the beautiful and talented Russian team. I can assure you I have never seen such a brilliant display in all my life. That last routine by Ms. Malvina really showed you what it means to appreciate life. The Canadians and Costa Ricans could learn a thing or two. Anyway, the girls from Russia have so far managed to average an unparalleled twenty-seven out of a possible but never-before-attained thirty points. This is history in the making. Up next is Nina Marina and her Rope routine.”

   The next gymnast twirled a long white rope as entered the performance area. Her routine brought oohs and ahhs from the audience every time she displayed a new type of knot. On more than one occasion, she somehow managed to tie herself into a frog tie, a shrimp tie, a hog tie, and even a reverse prayer tie. She took the opportunity to recite an Orthodox prayer and finished her show.

   The final member of the Russian team walked on with three Clubs in hand. When the music sounded she began her amazing feat. She started with the thin end of on club and entered it into her body. She worked her way up to the thicker end and then to two. She teased the possibility of the third.

   “No one has ever been able to insert all three clubs before. If she can pull this off, she will officially be able to lay claim to the loosest vagina in all the world. Some doctors claim three is impossible, but let’s see if she can prove them wrong.”

   The girl raised the club and pushed the thin end into her. The audience erupted yet again.

   “She’s done it! Oh, what a feat! This is amazing, folks. Simply amazing!”

   She quickly removed the third club and turned it in her hand. The crowd gasped and quieted. She brought the club back to her body and forced the thick end in. Moments later a blood-curling scream came from her body and injury was obvious. Medics rushed onto the floor and carried her away.

   Abel frowned into the camera. “An unfortunate end, but if this level of competition doesn’t make you push yourself to the limit, you don’t belong here. Even with the penalty for an early stop to the routine, Russia’s chances are all but cemented. I’m Abel Cannoway, and you’re watching ‘Sex in Sochi’.”