Sex in Sochi

Hockey

   There was a feeling in the meeting room. Roman could make out that there was one but not exactly what it was. He sat next to Mindy at a table with producers, their director and a few researchers. Nervous but excited, that was the conclusion Roman came to. He could understand why. The hockey had gone as expected in one way. The Canadians were finalists. They had been expected to win the whole event. No one could have foreseen, though, that Costa Rica would join them. At least the athletes wouldn’t have sharp projectiles this time. Everyone in the room had a feeling that no matter what happened it would make for excellent television and they would be bringing it to the American people.

   Most of the excitement in the room came from one of the producers who had bounced into his seat. Roman had thought it was because he was Canadian but it turned out that that wasn’t the main reason he was so happy. “I’ve procured a private room from which we will do the show, live in the stadium!” he announced.

   “Wait, what?!” Roman demanded, his jaw dropping.

   “That’s right! ‘Sex in Sochi’ is heading to… well to Sochi! We’ll do a pre-and post-match show instead of our usual highlight show.”

   Roman blinked a few times to let it sink in, then got to his feet and went to hug the producer. There was a lot of hugging and hand shaking and Mindy in the middle of it all looking horrified.

                                                   ***

   Roman gave the stern looking Russian woman at customs a shameless look as she folded her arms and looked up to him from a suitcase full of panties. “What?” he asked, staring her down. “Don’t worry there aren’t any liquids in there… there was but they have long since turned solid.”

                                                   ***

   Their studio was just a square room with massive windows showing the stadium. Costa Rican and Canadian fans were separated by thousands of neutrals, all of whom seemed a little apprehensive of what was going to come. Roman couldn’t blame them. For the last few days the leaders of the two countries and the official Twitter accounts had been involved in some rather nasty verbal exchanges.

   Roman, Mindy and the crew got the stadium a few hours before when it was still empty. Sadly they didn’t get time to admire the $340 million dollar cathedral as they had to spend the whole time preparing. Mindy’s nerves were getting the better of her the closer they got to starting the show. Roman pitied her. She didn’t have his experience. He put a hand on Mindy’s shoulder as she sat in a corner looking over the schedule.

   “If you compose yourself you’ll do fine,” he said calmly. “You have been so far. Trust yourself. You deserve to.” Roman wasn’t very good at supportive speeches so he left it at that, hoping it would have some effect. Perhaps it did, for she went through the post-match show without a hitch despite her leg shaking the whole time.

   This was the part Roman had been looking forward to. He watched a lot of the events live at home but it was nothing compared to this, being able to watch it live. Roman wheeled his chair up to the massive windows. By this time the arena was bouncing, the sun was shining down on it and the national anthem of Canada was being played.

   To Roman’s surprise the Costa Ricans didn’t boo it but then he remembered the comments of Costa Rica’s leader saying that Costa Ricans would never do anything disrespectful as that would be lowering themselves to Canadian standards. Both national teams stood with the massive dildos that would serve as their hockey sticks over their shoulders and belted out the anthems to an atmosphere of perfect respect. The captains of the teams shook hands, never taking their eyes from the other’s, but this was a common thing in sports and nothing to read into. The Dutch referee gathered the players and emphasised that he wanted a fair, clean game.

   For the first half this was what they got. There were a few nasty challenges, an argument or two but these were competitive sportsmen determined to win, there was no point reading into something so common. Roman was hooked on the match. Canada took an early lead and doubled it a few minutes later. By the end of the first thirty-five minutes, though, Costa Rica had drawn level. Just before the first half was brought to an end they missed a golden opportunity. Roman growled at the miss along with the rest of the Costa Ricans while the Canadians breathed sighs of relief.

   Roman saw a Canadian player laugh at the Costa Rican and receive a dildo to the face for it. He jumped off his seat, giggling like a child at what had happened while the players’ teammates pulled them apart. It was the first sign of any tensions spilling over, but again Roman didn’t make a note of it. During the ten minute break for half time he went to get some coffee, still laughing about the Canadian getting hit by a dildo. Roman spent two minutes at the machine.

   “Holy shit!” someone behind him said. Roman snapped his head around to see everyone else in their room trying to press themselves up against the windows. Projectiles were being thrown onto the field. The Canadians and Costa Rican fans at either end of the stadium were bellowing chants he couldn’t hear while chucking coins, drinks and even a few chairs onto the field. They only calmed down when an announcer threatened to call the match off altogether.

   Fifteen minutes later than expected, the second half started, with a distinct change in atmosphere. There was tension amongst the neutrals, anger amongst the Canadians and Costa Ricans and increased aggression amongst the players. Roman was too immersed in the game to care. The excitement had only been increased for him as athletes crashed into each other and scrapped. A Costa Rican swung for the puck with the end of his massive dildo and missed completely, taking out a Canadian who’d come across to block him. An accident of course, but it wasn’t seen that way and the referee had to separate the two men.

   A minute later, the Costa Ricans scored. The celebrations were ridiculously over the top, with the players crying and the fans bouncing so much that Roman was sure the building was shaking. It was the Canadian’s turn to do the same a few minutes later, which they did, holding hands in front of the Costa Rican players and bowing towards them like at the end of the show. Now Roman could feel that something was going to happen. The coaches and substitutes of both teams were arguing. Play was stopped for five minutes to bring peace and calm back to the benches.

   Play restarted and was stopped almost instantly as a Canadian just crashed into a Costa Rican, making no attempt to tackle cleanly. He was then forced to the ground as a dildo swept his legs out from under him. Now things spilled over. The players charged at each other, dildos raised, and brought the down on opponents. The referee blew and blew on his penis-shaped whistle but was ignored until a Canadian struck him around the head. Now there was pandamonium. The substitutes picked up their dildos and charged like a line of soldiers into the fray. “Get me one!” the Canadian head coach demanded of his assistant. One was thrown and he caught it. “Encuentra un consolador!” the Costa Rican manager boomed.

   The fans of both countries were cheering, chanting, shouting, jeering, doing everything they could to support their team in the battle. One of the Canadian players tried to escape the fray and ran for the wall, unfortunately not noticing it was the Costa Rican end because of the blood pouring from a gash above his eye. He was taken out by an accurately thrown chair. It was obvious many of the neutrals couldn’t look away from what was happening, no matter how much they wanted to. Roman was in the same boat. It was such a wonderful thing to watch, the Canadian and Costa Rican hockey teams using their dildos like swords and their managers in the middle of it dueling furiously.