Remembering Hope Findlay

Chapter 14 - Where Am I?

I couldn't feel anything it was that cold, the pain had gone and disappeared, I looked down at my toes, the sight brought bile to my mouth; they were shredded, the pale stoning and broken bark in the leaf litter was hard on my tender feet, not used to the different toughness of this ground next to the silk-like sheets and lino of the hospital. I could tell all of my body was under a blanket of bruises and blood. That seemed surreal, like those scenes in the epic action-packed movies... Too much for me to take in. I felt like I had been torn into many unfixable pieces. My eyes were partly blinded and stinging from fibres of glass entering them as well as more red liquid. I was ready to curl up and rot in the cold, mind you the curl would be more of a flop onto the bark and leaves.

I sat there in silence, screaming from pain inside and loosing breath with my blood. I felt a dark cloud start to fill my inside. It grew from my lungs like smoke and reached down to my toes as it was almost to my heart, I would feel the darkness trying to engulf myself. My mind being mixed as a tornado. I left a sober state and went into some sort of trance, I flopped onto my duffel bag which lay next to me as I sat behind the sheltering tree. The strong smell of the hospital on the bag had disappeared like my sight now, my thoughts were deeply clouded in a mess of dust. Indescribable emotions swept into my brain as the darkness filled my head and the smoke ate up my heart. I slipped off the bag and onto the muddy leaf litter that lay below. My hair covering my face like a mask, the smoke melting down my emotional walls I had built to stay sane and in control. I felt like the whole world had been spinning and had stopped along with all life and feeling in it. The auburn coloured leaves left over from Autumn that lay under me burning, shrivelling like corpses in a fire. The squirrels coming out of their trees and freezing, the birds migrating for Winter falling to the ground that seemed like lava, yet it was so cold and dead. My mind was folding, my heart breaking down, all life draining like the water in the bathtub. All human and anyone I ever knew disappearing in the fog, getting pulled away by the winds of death. All thought of mine stopped, I couldn't feel anything. Nothing. No tears were streaming down my face, no emotions were shown. I don't even know if I am still alive... I just lay there.

'No... No... No...' A voice in my head appeared from within the dark. 'No... there is faith... Life... it is present... There is fear... but awaken from it...Death is not the only story... yours is not yet to come... No... Awaken....'

My head emerged from the sleep-state it was in as a miniscule amount of the smoke in my brain was drained.

'...Strong... Stay strong...'

That voice, I can't help. It is somehow haunting me, well, it's always there when I need it. It's a sort of fairy godmother...

The darkness was slowly flowing away, the leaves stopped burning and regained their natural colour, the birds made their way back to the sky. The world started rotating again, at the regular speed, the squirrels back in their home, safe asleep. No winds were ripping out people's souls. Colour and life returned to the world. I had emotions; a tear was running down from my right eye, landing on the leaves under my thin cheek. The frost I had felt earlier returned, quicker than it had gone. I slowly came back to reality, my head out of the smog it was trapped in.

"He's coming." The only thought in my head. My body not feeling the imbearable pain anymore. I glanced around the thin opal coloured tree, all I saw was a small clump of dandelions, an endless count of trees, most thin with the occassional large oak tree. I know he is still out there though, just watching endlessly and silently. I sheltered myself back near the roots of the tree, leaned against the thin trunk and pushed myself upwards with my small twigs of legs. This was so surreal, fear pumping around my body, my feeling for pain gone although I was a mess. I wiped the blood that was on my long eyelashes, clearing my view. I have to run. Now. I grabbed my duffel and limped along quickly, cautiously looking around scanning everywhere for movement. Now was when the pain in my hip got stronger, I feared to look at it though, I was petrified to even stop moving now...

I screamed as I fell down to the ground, my face meeting the large twigs that lay there. I hadn't even known he was there. I hadn't heard anything. He was back to haunt me, I was struck on the back and a sharp object was inserted into my leg, the pain was killing me. I was hopelessly dragging myself along the ground to try and escape the attack. What have I done? Why hasn't he pulled out his gun yet? Would be a much easier and quicker way to kill me. I flicked leaves up in his face, useless. He kicked me in the back and that was when I frantically got up and ran, leaving my pain screaming for mercy. I zig-zagged in the trees, my duffel bag bouncing around on my should and as I turned I let it go when it was about to pull me down. No, if I stopped or fell I would have no hope. I kept going, not turning back, just running as fast as my non-existent muscles would carry me. The leaves flew out, the pain making tears melt my eyes and my whole soul screaming. I couldn't stop I wouldn't. I fled deeper through the woods, it was darker and more crowded here. I just kept hopelessly pumping my legs to nowhere...