Dark Pasts || L.H

Twenty-One

I sat cross legged on the floor in the middle of my room. A soft light was filtering through the blinds of my window, dimly illuminating the room.

In front of me was a small brown box, just big enough to fit an envelope. But this wasn't just any small brown box. This was the brown box.

The small brown box that had once passed from my fathers hand to my aunt's hands. And just recently, from my aunt's hands to my hands.

The box sat in front of me, untouched. I couldn't bring myself to lift the lid, or disturb the thin layer of dust settled on it.

It still puzzles me why he had only written letters for me. Sienna and Jake need some sort of guidance from a male figure, even if not in person. But then it was his decision and I know that everything he does he has a good reason.

With a deep breath in I lifted the lid off the box, to be greeted with the same, familiar handwriting as I was a few days ago on the sidewalk by a coffe shop.

I lifted the envelope gently out of the box, holding it in my fingertips I repeatedly read the phrase on the front.

Lacey, When You are Ready

But to be honest, I'm not sure that I really am ready. I bit my lip in anxiousness as I flipped the envelope over and ever so carefully broke the seal.

I unfolded the piece of paper and began to read the letter my father had written for me.

Dear Lacey,

First of all I would like to say that I'm so sorry that I had to go this way and that I do love you, so very much.

Lacey, the day you were born was the best day of my life. To see you bright green eyes open and meet mine for the first time as I held you in my arms. You were so little. I cried tears of pure happiness that day Lace, pure happiness. And somehow still, 16 years later every time I looked into your eyes I get the same feeling, pure happiness.

I see myself in you. It's truly a remarkable thing to be able to see yourself in another person so clearly, but I do. And it scares me Lace, but it also makes me believe in you.

I know that you are a genuinely good person, I really do know it. But I don't ever want you to feel what I feel. And I don't ever want it to bring you down like it did me.

But sadly, I see it in you and it breaks my heart knowing that my little girl will have to deal with as much pain and helplessness as I had too. I wish there was something I could do to stop you experiencing pain to the same severity as I. But I can't, no matter how hard I try.

But please Lacey don't let it bring you down. There is always sunshine after the rain, just sometimes the rain lasts for so long you begin to think it might never stop. But it will. I promise you.

Don't take the easy way out like me. Keep pushing through baby girl. You have you beautiful mother who loves you and Sienna and Jake need you. And I love you, always.

There is always other ways Lace, always. Don't ever give in to easy escapes. No matter how much light you see on the other side it will always just be darkness, and nothing else.

I know one day that you will feel the same as I did that first time I looked into your eyes. Whether it be your husband's eyes on your wedding day or the first time you look into your baby's eyes. You will feel it Lace, you will truly experience pure happiness. And you will know you wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

An just remember that I am proud of you wherever you end up and no matter what you do.

I love you Lace, you will always be my baby girl with the brightest green eyes I have ever seen.

Love forever,

Dad.

I ran my thumb over the edge if the soft white paper, tears rolling down my cheeks.

A single tear dared drip from my chin and landed on the paper. Smudging the beautiful cursive writing.

I stared at the tear stain, the black ink swirled in the liquid spot gracefully and simply. I folded the letter back up and held it to the left side if my chest for a moment, closing my eyes. I miss him so much, I need him here with me, to help me through.

I set the letter and envelope in the floor next to me and lifted up the small brown box, sitting it on my lap.

I slowly and carefully flicked through the envelopes one by one, reading the familiar handwriting on each signify the many occasions they were written for.

Lace, On Your Eighteenth

Lacey, On Your Wedding Day

On Your Graduation Day

To Him

Tears threatening to spill over I hurriedly pushed all the envelopes back into the box and slapped the lid back on.

I stood up and ran over to the window, collapsing on the small seat placed next to it.

I curled my legs up to my chest and hugged a cushion, staring out into the back garden and I let it all flow out.

I miss the way he used to tell me everything was going to be okay in the end.

I miss the way he would hold me tight, close to his chest, until I felt better.

I miss the way he would take me down to the music room and play me a song to cheer me up.

I miss the way he would walk me to the beach and just sit with me, watching the sunset, just letting me think things out myself and knowing that he was there if I needed.

But I don't have that anymore.

It almost feels like I have no one.

At least no one that understands.

No one that will be like him.

I wiped the tears from my cheeks with my palms, wiping them on my shirt to dry them.

I wish he didn't leave. I wish I could've done something to stop him. Maybe I could've done something different? I just wish I knew the truth as to why he left. Just to know if I could've done something different for him to still be with me. But I fear that I may never.

But I have to put my questioning in the past and move forward, knowing that he loves me and always will and no matter what I do he is proud of me.

I lean my head against the window and softly whisper.

"I love you dad, I always will and I will never forget you. I miss you so much, but you are in a better place for you. Thankyou for everything you have done for me and to make me the best person I can be. I have learnt so much from you, I love you."

I pressed my hand against the cold window, watching the glass fog up around my hand.

I leant my head down and closed my eyes, letting a tear roll down my cheek.

"I will always love you."

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IM CRYING :(

THIS IS SHORT AND IM SORRY !!

So I know I haven't posted in forever! but stick with me!!!

I love you guys!!

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