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Izanami - chapter 7

After the party they’re showered with gifts and congratulations and Grace’s heart sinks a little further every time she looks at the baby stuff that is slowly taking over their home. The final straw comes when Hannah finally starts showing and Grace can hardly look her in the eye, never mind acknowledge the growing curve of her belly. She knows she can’t keep going like this anymore, so she does the only thing she can think of.

“Hey babe?”

“Yeah?” Hannah says.

“I just wanted to give you a heads-up, I’m going to therapy tomorrow.”

Hannah’s gaze focuses in on her.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Grace says, trying to sound casual, “I just want to make sure I don’t freak out at the whole ‘being a mom’ thing. I’m following your example, Little Miss Self Help!”

Hannah scrutinises her closely for a minute and smiles.

“I am all about being mentally balanced!” She agrees cheerfully before sobering slightly. “You know you can talk to me, too, right?” she asks, and Grace hears the slight hurt in her voice.

Grace hugs her, all too aware of the slight bump between them.

“I know, beautiful, but you’re the pregnant one. My job is to pamper you and fulfil your every whim, not get all weird and awkward at you.”

Hannah grins. “I am enjoying the pampering,” she admits.

-

Grace isn’t sure she’s actually going to go through with this. She thinks about cancelling the whole morning and it’s a genuine surprise when she finds herself shaking hands with the therapist, whose name is Mark, and sitting down. She talks in a low monotone and refuses to make eye contact. She talks about their history together and their wedding and when she can’t avoid it any more, she talks about the baby. She’s never said the words out loud before and somehow she feels like she’s betraying Hannah by acknowledging these feelings.

“I couldn’t bear the thought of Hannah being unhappy because of me, so I said yes and now she’s pregnant and I just feel like my entire life is falling apart around me, and I can’t talk to Hannah about it because what would I say? ‘Hey Hannah, this whole baby thing is a fucking nightmare and I wish I’d never said yes!’ I just…I feel so trapped.”

“You could leave,” Mark observes neutrally and Grace’s heads shoots up as she pins him in adeath glare. She takes a breath before she speaks but it doesn’t abate the anger. She’s been bottling it up for so long that it feels good to finally have a target.

“I would never do that.”

“Why not?” Grace knows he is probably trying to provoke a response from her but she can’t stop the fury that erupts.

“Because Hannah is my wife! I love her and I am never going to leave her!”

“Then you have to deal with this child,” he says calmly.

“I know that!” Grace is all but yelling now.

“So what do you want from therapy, Grace?”

Her answer comes instantly.

“I want to learn to love my kid!”

There’s a moment’s silence. Grace stares at Mark in shock.

“Did you know you were going to say that?”

Grace shakes her head.

“Did you mean it?”