This is, as it may seem, my last goodbye. I wont post this until I know that I am close to what is going to happen. I will add to it most days when I feel that I am up to it, and then I will post it. I started this on May 20th, 2012 at 12:36AM (idk the time zones, so i'll just say the one for central Texas lol)...
(Video is that-a way >>>>>>> press play <3)
=============5/20/2012=============12:36AM==============
Hi everyone!
I wanted to start this off, by telling you how much I love you.
ALL OF YOU.
Most especially my facebook friends who are reading this, Justin (@babydonahue) and Jelly (@sincerelydeep). You're my best friends and family. You've been with me through so much, you all mean the world to me and I know that I would not have gotten as far in my writing, or my life, without you all. You're my inspiration, you'll always be my inspiration.
I dont know whats waiting for me on the other side of this thin line between life and death, but I do know that whatever it is, if it is anything at all, and yeah that may terrify me, but I want you all to know that I'm going through this with an open mind and a brave heart. Wherever I go, I know that I'll be right where I need to be. Which is in your mind, next to your heart and by your side. (This goes especially to the amazing beautiful people listed above, and for anyone else who i got close to since I've written this.)
You've made my life enjoyable, and you've made me feel special and loved. You've helped me when I needed your advice and guidance without judgement and I hope that I've been able to do the same for you all. I want you to know, that no matter what I've said in the past (I know I can get extremely rude after a round of chemo or dialysis) that you're all special to me, I love you all, and I wouldn't be where I am without you guys. I'd have died a long time ago, if not in body, then at least in spirit. It is because of YOU that I've kept my strength as long as I did, and because of YOU that I found the will to keep living, and because of YOU that I plan to die with a smile on my face.
Is it wrong of me to talk about my death so easily? I'm not even crying.. I dont know if that's bad or not, so I guess I'll just keep going.
I think I've finally accepted the fact that I'm going to die. Well I say that now, but I'm supposedly about four weeks away from that, so I guess we'll find out just how ready I am when the time comes. It is a terrifying thing, but I'm doing my best to make it through this with a smile on my face, making people laugh, and keeping myself and everyone else happy. Its a hard job, but nobody else is going to do it. I dont mind it anyways, I enjoy making my friends and family feel better and happier, it makes me automatically feel better as well.
I have special messages for all of you, one specifically for random people or people I am not close to (which will be the next one after this chapter thing) and then I'm going to write to one person each day afterwards if it at all possible. If there isn't a letter for you in this entire book, and we're friends, then just know its not because I didn't want to write you one, it's because I ran out of time to write. I love you though.)
Read them all or just read the one meant for you, which ever you'd prefer.
I love you guys.
So fucking unbelievably much.
Never forget that.
