Against Her Will

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Temperance found herself unable to sleep that night. Her mind would not turn off and rest. Instead it remained focused on Tanner. She wanted to be near him. They had spoken some throughout the day. It had mostly been small talk and conversations focused around Jackson since the boy had been glued to their sides all evening.

Jackson was fascinated with hearing stories about his father.

Temperance knew there was more they needed to talk about. She needed to ensure that Tanner truly wanted the parental responsibility he had taken on today and she needed to also ensure that he knew what he was signing up for when saying that he loved her...... Temperance was broken and she needed to make sure that Tanner knew just how severely.

Rising from her bed, Temperance slipped into her robe and stepped out into the hall. She walked to Jackson's room and peeked in at the slumbering child. He was snoring softly and sound asleep beneath his blankets. Temperance simply gazed upon her son for several long moments. That boy was all that had kept her from taking her own life these last five years. He gave her a reason to need to get up every morning and she loved him with everything that she had.

After closing the door silently, Temperance went down to the second floor and walked to Tanner's door. She took a deep breath to steady the nerves that were dancing wildly around in her stomach.

She raised a trembling hand but before she could knock, the door opened and Tanner's eyes widened in surprise. "What are you doing still awake?" he asked.

"I could ask you the same question," Temperance replied.

Tanner shoved his hand through is thick hair. "I couldn't sleep."

"Me either," Temperance agreed.

Tanner nodded and motioned for her to come in the room. Temperance quickly stepped past him and he led her out onto the balcony where Temperance noticed he once again had a bed made.

"Tanner, it's looking like it might rain," she noted as a gust of summer wind blew against them and she pulled her robe tighter. "You should really move your bed inside."

"I will," Tanner assured her, though Temperance had a suspicion that he was lying.

"Is there something you'd like to talk about?" she asked as she settled down into the iron chair and looked out over the dark fields. "You can talk to me about things, you know."

"I know I can," Tanner replied, lounging against the door jamb. Temperance could feel his blue/gray eyes traveling over her body and she pulled her robe a little tighter and turned away from him just a little more. "And you know you can talk to me about things sometime other than just the middle of the night. We don't have to sneak around the way we did before."

"I'm not sneaking," Temperance assured him pointedly. "I couldn't sleep and I wanted to be near you."

She hadn't meant to say that last bit but was thankful that she had when she heard Tanner laugh lightly. She had never heard that sound before and it was a truly wonderful sound. It was deep and full of goodness--it reminded Temperance of her father's laugh.

"Well then we have something in common," Tanner replied as he crouched down and tapped at a stone pillar. "I couldn't sleep because I wanted to be near you too, Temp."

Temperance bit her lip. "I really missed you, Tanner."

"I really missed you too."

"I'm sorry for what I put you through, Tanner. I'm sorry I pushed you away."

Tanner shrugged. "It hurt. I won't lie to you. It damn near killed and I was angry for a while. But that anger didn't last long. When I got out I wanted to see you. I needed to see for myself whether you were okay or not. If you were happily married and living a good life then I would have walked away and been satisfied knowing that what I had done hadn't been for nothing even if I couldn't be with you."

"I haven't been truly happy in a long time," Temperance replied honestly. "I love Jackson and the happiest I am is when I'm with my son. It took a while before I could look at him without crying because of the memories he forced me to see in my mind. But I knew I couldn't punish him for that--I couldn't punish him for an evil that he had no part in."

Tanner tipped his head. "You're a good mother, Temperance. He's a good boy and that's proof enough that you've done a good job."

"I've had help," she admitted. "There are days, sometimes more than one at a time, where I can't leave the house. I have attacks, Tanner. The doctor says they are anxiety... but when they hit me, I can't breathe, can't speak and sometimes the effects last for days and all I can do is curl into a ball and stare at the wall until it passes."

Tanner nodded slowly and reached out a hand to push a strand of red hair from her cheek. "You'll never have another one of those attacks alone, Temp. I'm here now and even if I can't fix them; even if all I can do is lay there in that bed with you and hold you close until it's over, that's what I'll do."

"You..." Temperance stopped, unsure of how to say what she wanted to say. In true Tanner fashion, he simply sat there in peaceful silence and waited for her to find the words. "Jackson had fun with you today."

"Yeah, I had fun with him too," Tanner replied.

"Are you certain you want that responsibility, Tanner?" Temperance whispered. "I don't want you being his father simply because you feel that you have to or you owe it to him..."

Tanner shook his head and walked to her. He dropped to his knees in front of the chair and took Temperance's hands in his. "Temp, I don't do anything that I don't want to do. I want to be that boy's father. I am that boy's father."

"You are a blessing to us, Tanner... truly," Temperance felt tears filling her eyes.

"You're the blessing, Temperance. You and that boy. You've given me a will to live and that's something I haven't had in a real long time." Tanner smiled up at her. Smiling was something she hadn't seen him do five years ago when they had first met. He had a wonderful smile. It formed crinkles in his firm cheeks and lines beside his eyes.

"There's something else I'd really like to be," he admitted quietly. His voice shook a bit and his nervousness and unease put Temperance on edge as well.

"What?" she questioned cautiously.

Tanner gave her hands a tender squeeze and looked deep into her eyes. He let out a slow breath and gently answered, "Your husband."