Hell to the No

The Dinner

"He almost kissed me..."

"Yeah, I saw that! It was almost too precious to disturb. Almost."

"Oh, but Kait," I sigh, gazing at the sky with one hand pressed to my fluttering heart, and the other lightly touching my lips as I replay the moment that almost was over and over in my mind, "I wanted him to. God, I think I'm falling for him." Kaitlin sits up straight from where we lay leisurely in the grass in my backyard, giving me a look.

"Since when? You always would just sneer at the thought of him, baby cakes." I cover my face and groan, all these strong feelings making my heart drunk with excitement and my brain frantic with analytically discerning thoughts as it tries to dissect every aspect of what was going on here.

"I know... I think I just have a really big crush on him."

"Aren't you a little old to have a crush on someone?" Kaitlin giggles at me. I give her a pouty face.

"That's the best way I can think to put it! It's just a really strong infatuation..."

"There you go, you just thought of another way to put it, brain-o," she teases affectionately. There is a slight pause as she lies down on her back, and we stare at the wispy clouds for a moment. She finally speaks up.

"I think you should be careful," she says very softly. A nervous flutter interrupts the happy party the butterflies are having in my chest. I turn my head to give her a sad, questioning look, desperately open to guidance. She chooses her words for a moment before answering. "He's not really the kind of guy you take home to your parents," she starts, "His reputation is awful. He's a lady killer, 'Leithy. You and I both know you don't date or love casually. And I'm sorry to break the news to you, sugar, but I don't think Roman's the type to return that kind of love." My stomach twists into knots upon knots. I involuntarily clutch at my chest as a hurtful feeling rushes through it. Kaitlin was right. Even I had heard the kinds of rumors that run around school about Roman Spade. My heart cries as the notion, wanting all of this to be false. I worm closer to Kaitlin to rest my head against her shoulder. She places her head down on mine.

"I hate being naive."

"You just look for the good in people, that's all." I contradict her in my mind, knowing full well that I was naive to a fault. I got it from my mother, and it didn't help that I was raised in a solid household with no serious dysfunctions. I was raised in a loving and sheltered environment, and the shocks of what really goes on even in my school, I never paid any mind to. Drugs, lots of sex, partying. I just didn't think about it, and I never assumed it of anyone. Though, in reality, I should be doing the opposite. Was this the same case for Roman?

"I don't even think I want to know what you know," I whisper. She nods against my head and rubs my arm.

"Just be careful. You can be friends with him all you want, just keep it at arm's length, I say. That could complicate your project and your summer anyways if you two were romantic, ya know?" I ponder the point, realizing she's right.

"If anything were to go south, I'd be stuck there with him, having to finish that project no matter what."

"Exactly. Aren't I a freakin' genius?" she croons as she elbows me. I give a laugh, and some of the hurt eases. Taking a giant breath and hugging Kaitlin, I slowly start to let go of the feelings that I let fester in my chest for him. I didn't want to be his next victim. I would never allow myself to ever be used. It would hurt me too much, she was right in saying that I don't love lightly. I love the way I was raised to love, the way my mother and father love each other. Deeply and thoroughly. Built on a foundation of strength and trust. I had a strong belief in marriage, togetherness, and family. That's how I date, I can't help it. I even had a bad experience about a year ago, dating a guy who I really liked, who just wanted to get in my pants by pretending he wanted all the same things that I did. Thankfully, that relationship didn't last long, and I was only hung up over it for a month or two.