Storytime

Chapter 23- We Stick Together

"We should get you-"

"I know. Why you're here, I mean." I speak in a tone that comes across as angry, but all it is is the frustration that I didn't figure it out earlier, and the guilt that consumes me and takes away any logical emotion. I should be sympathetic. I should be there for him. But all I feel is anger, selfish anger, because he's not really here for me- I really do have no-one.

"Don't you dare make this about you. You can't blame everyone for wanting to stay away from you. You killed Josie." The sorrow in his eyes fades to pure anger, but the difference is, his is selfless and his has a justifiable reason behind it.

"Everyone at that damned place as good as killed her too! You saw the way people treated her. They treated her like dirt."

"Because they were following you! You're the one that started the whole thing!" My body goes stiff. My mind races. What did I do? How does he know and I don't?

"I- I don't remember what I did." I bite my lip, staring at a headstone in the distance.

"Don't be so pathetic. I don't feel sorry for you. You made her first day as horrible as possible. You should be glad you don't remember." He sneers and looks away. 

"I'm sorry, Ben. I know what I did was wrong. There aren't any excuses. But I've changed. And, you won't believe me and I don't expect you to, but I loved that girl." He snaps his head back to look at me, grabs my wrist and drags me to stand.

"Loved her? You had a funny way of showing it! That girl was dedicated to you, and what do you do? You land her in the nurses office and despite it all she forgives you, and you're the one who loved her? You make me sick!"

"So everything you said in the beginning, about being here for me, the school empathising with me, that was all a lie? Everyone secretly hates me?" He sighs, frustrated and yells, stamping his foot into the ground. He takes a deep breath, his hands behind his head and then looks at me.

"Josie wouldn't want us to hate you. She loved you, despite what a shitty person you are-were- so we do it for her." My lip trembles.

"You really loved her, didn't you?"

"I barely knew her. But she was the part of my life that was missing so yes, I loved her." He takes his hands down from his head.

"I'm sorry. I wouldn't blame you if you hated me." Every part of me screams in regret as those words come from my mouth. My lonely breaking body craves a companion after all this time of blaming myself. I need some reassurance, but it's the one thing I know I'll never get because everyone else blames me too.

"Don't get me wrong, I want to hate you. But if Josie taught me anything, it's that hate is a strong word, and it does nothing to help anyone." He walks up to me slowly. I listen intently to his feet crunching the stones beneath, to his slow, deep breaths as he approaches. As the sky darkens, I can't make out the expression on his face as I'm too afraid to look into his eyes that pierce straight through me.

"She saw something in you. She saw the good in you. And I need to find it too. Don't make me regret it, Illeya." He whispers the last part with an aggressive tone in my ear and a shiver runs through my body. I hear his heavy footsteps slowly move away, but his body still stays close to mine and I no longer feel safe. Is this how it's going to be now? To be loved is to be hated, and the only way I can earn anyone's trust is by my connection to Josie? Is anyone ever going to love me, Illeya, for myself ever again? Or is Josie going to be the only part of me that has any trace of good left? By the tone of Ben's voice, the aggression, the bitterness, the desire of hatred, I know I'll never be able to live freely again. That one mistake, and that world that I slipped into afterwards, will forever be the biggest weights on my shoulders and I'll never be allowed to forget. Then again, maybe that's the best thing for me. I can't let myself forget. I can't let anyone allow me to forget. I deserve the pain of remembering, and Ben has every right to torture me with it. They both deserved better.

"You have no liability to stay, you know?" I don't say it to his face, I say it into the empty space that sits before me in the comfort of darkness. I can feel his head turn to look at me with those piercing and frightening eyes.

"You're not my responsibility, that much is true, but Josie was and, no matter how much I hate the situation, I have to make an effort with the person she somehow thought the world of. But, if you're that desperate to be alone-"

"NO! No." My desperation takes hold of me and I yell. I can't be alone again. All that time pretending that popularity was basically high school heaven left me feeling lonelier than ever, and losing Josie did not help. If he's offering to stay, I'm determined to keep him at my side. Even if he does hate me, it's better than sitting with my head against a cold gravestone staring at a sky that's always dark.

"Jeez, you really do have issues." I sigh, looking down at the ground.

"What do you expect? I was in a coma, in a world I didn't recognise, where I finally got the love story I'd been dreaming of, I gained a brother but almost got killed by my psycho dad and his brother, and then I wake up to find out it was all fake and the love of my life is dead because of me. Wouldn't that fuck anybody up?"

"Sure, but feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to solve anything." He sighs. "I'm going to regret this. Come on, let's get out of here. Being in a cemetary isn't exactly going to help your mindset right now, or mine, and I'm sure neither of us wants to kick off again. Right?" I nod lightly and he smiles sadly. He begins to walk away and I wait a few seconds before following, making sure to keep my distance from the boy I'm still not sure I can trust. It's only a matter of time before he loses sight of the reason why he's helping me in the first place and snaps. I wouldn't blame him. I'm not his responsibility, and I wish he didn't have the mindset that this is what Josie wanted. As much as I don't want to be alone, as compelling as my belief is that it should have been me and not Josie, I know there is a point where his forgiveness will fade out and anger will take over and when that time comes, I'm not sure air will be passing over my lips for much longer. Why did this have to happen Josie? What am I supposed to do without you?