Storytime

Chapter 10~ What The Fuck?

Illeya POV:
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking I-"
"I trusted you. I trusted you, Illeya! And this is what you do?! Ugh, get your lesbian body the fuck out of here!" She yells at me, her hand colliding with my face. It burns my cheek but nothing hurts as much as my heart being torn apart and my chest tightening so much, I can barely breathe. Her face glows bright red and her eyes pierce through me like a sword through skin. It hurts that much too. Not knowing what to do with myself, I bite my lip to stop the tears from falling and sprint out of the door, not once looking back. The pang in my chest is unbearable and I run to the bathroom, hoping I can be alone.
My eyes burn from the waterfall of tears and my body shakes so terribly, I can't stand. Helpless, I rest my head in my hands, wishing so much that the ground would come and swallow me up.
What the fuck was I thinking? She's the most popular girl in school, why the hell would she be gay? I was stupid to think I could get my happy ending. I don't even know what I was doing. What sort of shit goes on in my head?
The feeling of fear rings persistently in my mind. All the questions with no answers, or answers I don't want to think of.
What is she going to do to me? Oh god. She's going to tell the whole school. Oh god. I'm dead. I'm dead. I may as well be. Oh god oh god oh god kill me now.
The sorrow then takes over and I sob uncontrollably.
What am I going to do? I have no one. I have nothing. Apparently I have a condition I know nothing about. I don't even know myself anymore. It hurts. It hurts so fucking much. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know my own mind.
I feel like I've lost myself. Like I'm just a wandering ghost that no one really acknowledges as being there. That no one gives a damn about. Yeah, that's me. Just a ghost, lost and never found.
Then the doubt sets in.
Was it me? Is it me? Am I not good enough? Am I too much to handle? Am I not pretty enough? Maybe that's it. There are so many girls in this school, prettier than me. Maybe that IS it. Maybe I'm too ugly. Or maybe she's just straight. What? Why am I doing this to myself? No. I won't be that girl. That must be it. She's straight. Nothing else. She's just straight. She's just...
That's what I tell myself for the next 10 minutes, trying to convince myself that's all it is when in my heart I know that it's so much more than that.
Until the guilt sets in.
Is this what I made her feel like? She must have such a hard time and I made it worse... Is this what I'm meant to do? What I'm meant to understand?
And then everything is a blur. No thoughts I can make sense of, my emotions a knot that cannot be untangled. I cannot form any words. I cannot form any sensible thoughts. So instead I choose to ignore everything my mind puts across as my options. Some bad. Some terrible. And some just verging on okay. None good.
And then there's a knock on the door.