It's July 23rd
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I tried to hang myself again today. In my dad's room. I used a blanket and tied it to the window. I wanted to try the strangulation method. A friend's friend's brother just died last week from this method. I tied the blanket around my neck and waited for about 5 minutes (which felt like hours). I almost made it until my brother broke the door down and took me down. I cried when I realised that I didn't die.
This was not a cry for help. I didn't tell anyone. I really wanted this to work. Like I did when I swallowed the pills.
When my brother came in, he put the phone to my ears and said my dad wanted to talk to me. He didn't see the blanket around my neck. A few seconds later when I didn't respond, he pulled my head up and saw that I was trying to hang myself. He must've thought that I had passed out. He called for my sister for help and when my sister came in, she said "do you think that I care? "
I cried harder. I knew nobody cared. I wished so hard that someone would come comfort me, but no-one did. I wished my dad would come home quickly, but he didn't. I really wish I could've died. I realise now that if I disappear, noone would even notice. Which hurts, because now there's even less reasons to live.
I'm tearing up again. Am I such a terrible person? I told my friend what happened after my attempted suicide. She ended up hating me. We're no longer friends. I told haziq. And he still doesn't seem to care. I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.
I wonder why nothing works when I try to end my life. I don't believe in god, so why should I believe that god wants me to stay? I just wish I had a purpose in this life. Even my grandma doesn't care at all. Why am I even here? Everything is so hard and nobody cares about me.
This pain is real. But nobody sees that. To them, all I am is just a burden, a mistake. I don't know why I can't seem to be happy, and why I can't seem to die. I don't want to be alive. What's wrong with me? I know for a fact that I'm better off dead. And everyone else too. But why isn't anything working?
