It's just weird how the mind works. How we are abusive to the people we love and loving to the people who don't love us. It's difficult to tell who in this world loves you and who don't. When the words "I love you" don't really mean a thing anymore. Because we're so often disappointed by the people who we think love us. I'm not sure if love is the right word to describe how my family treats me. Because sometimes I tell myself that they're doing this to me because they love me, then I realize that alot of the times, I end up getting hurt by the way that they treat me. I'm not complaining or whatever, it's just that all this years, I've always been confused about which is love and which is abuse. Because I grew up thinking that love means calling you "stupid". Love means treating you like a punching bag(in a literal sense). Over the years I've been thought to accept that when somebody abuses me, hits me, tortures me physically, mentally and emotionally, it's out of love. I don't care what people think. I never thought that the definition of "love" in my family was ever fair. I'm not clever or anything, I'm just tired of putting up with all this shit. Especially when i think that it's okay for people to hate me this much, when the truth is, sometimes I feel that the whole world is againts me. I never get called out a slut, but this is how my family passively hints that I am one. When my dad tells me that it's my fault that I was raped. Because I was sitting some type of way that was deemed as "asking for rape". Yeah I never said anything, but it truly hurt knowing that my dad is okay with what went on in my life. He was okay with other people hurting his daughter. He was okay with my granduncle having touched me all over when I was a child. When I think about it, I regret ever putting trust in my dad to protect me againts these people. In the end, my dad was one of my constant childhood abusers. But who's to say that it's wrong for a dad to hit his child. He's my dad. He did it all "out of love". That's what I was taught. The society is fucked up. You only treat somebody nice when they die. When they're gone, you regret all the wrong you did to them. And sometimes you still blame them for your anger and frustrations.
You know what saddens me the most? That all this while, all these years of struggling, therapy, medication, suicide attempts, getting institutionalised,and still, my father doesn't understand how much I needed him to love me. He still never cared for me. Still isn't bothered by what it would be like to lose me as a child, as a daughter. I wonder if I was ever born into this world with a purpose in life. Sometimes I just think that I was god's mistake. Being born into a family that only loves you for awhile until you grow up is awful.
I can't exactly lie that my mother's abandonment didn't leave a huge scar either. I think what my mother did to us was what had affected my whole life the most. I think of it as "a loss of a mother who isn't dead yet". And also, who's to say that what she did wasn't right? Maybe leaving her whole family behind, her husband and kids, was what she thought was the right thing to do. Maybe she's like me. Maybe she just wants to get away from all the bullshit. But should I forgive her for it? I don't know yet. Perhaps if she were to have at least written a letter to explain what was her intentions, then maybe I would've forgiven her. Because I'm too sad right now to think that she left us without a reason or because she didn't want us around. Maybe if I knew what was going on in her head when she left, then maybe I could relate. Because I feel like leaving too.
I mean I get it, some people in your life are not meant to stay, even those whom you thought was supposed to be in your life forever. This is why it's so easy for me to let go of people in my life, and let them walk away. I've been immuned by the term "leaving". But "letting go", is the hardest part. Not being able to let go makes me regret every single moment of my life. Thinking about the things that I regret makes me want to die. Thinking about death gives me reassurance. That maybe all this will end someday. The pain, the suffering, the sadness. This will all go away someday.
You know I'm really sorry for never being able to be "normal". Sorry to my dad for having to put up with the aftermath of creating a broken child. Sorry to my grandma who needed a granddaughter to love her forever. This is not what you were hoping for. I understand that being "normal" isn't just being okay. I, am not normal. It's my inability to function properly that has debart me from being "normal". But let me tell you this, you will definitely question yourself after I leave. Asking yourself, how could we miss the signs? That's no longer an excuse after you read this letter. Ask yourself why was it so hard to believe me when I tell you that I was in pain. Tell me now, what would you have done differently?
I'm also sorry to haziq, for no longer being able to be there for you anymore. After I'm gone, I know it's going to be hard for you to move on. I know this is kind of selfish of me, but I just couldn't stand this world anymore, even with you in it. You've helped me in the greatest sense. You've become the greatest thing that has ever entered my life. I'm really sorry that I lied to you and said that I was going to stay with you forever. This, is not what I had in mind. I didn't want to leave you, and I don't. I hope that I'll stay in your heart forever Daniel Haziq. I'm really sorry you have to go through all of this. I know you tried your best to lessen my pain. But in the end, it is my pain that has brought me to this point. I don't see point in living anymore. This is my choice and my choice only. I love you Daniel. Ever since I first saw you smiling with your teeth. I knew this was the image I wanted to hold for as long as I could. I know this would sadden you. I'm really sorry if it's my fault that you won't ever recover. But I hope you will. I hope you will find at least the tiniest bit of happiness in your life to make you want to stay and make full use of the life you have.
