He stood, sheathing his sword and walking out.
"C'mon, Merlin," Gwaine said. He sat at the table, playing a single person card game. "Be honest with me. You were the one with a crush on Gwen."
"No, I swear," he said, "She liked me. I didn't even really notice it until she kissed me –"
"What, She kissed you?" said Gwaine, laughing, "Does Arthur know about this?"
"Not exactly," said Merlin, "And I'd really rather if it stayed that way."
"Worried that he'll be jealous?"
"No not so much that," said Merlin, rolling his eyes, "It's just that he throws things at me enough as is. I don't need him to...to have...oh."
"Merlin?" Gwaine said, turning to look at him, concerned.
"No, I'm all right," he said, shaking his head slightly as if to clear it, "I just thought that I ..."
He cut off, going completely rigid and still. His eyes were locked on the wall and he was completely vacant, mouth was hanging slightly open. Gwaine was up and next to him in an instant. He laid a hand on Merlin's back, and said, "Merlin?"
He flinched away from Gwaine's touch, and seemed to come back to himself. "I-I, um –"
"Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," Merlin said, spitting the words out like they were choking him and slamming his eyes shut. "I'm fine, it's fine, just a memory, it's all fine."
"Merlin," said Gwaine, "What do you need me to –"
"I need you to leave me alone. I need you to go back to playing your cards. I need you to talk about stupid tavern stories like you always do and We can pretend everything's fine," Merlin said, and when the knight hesitated, Merlin gasped, "Gwaine, please."
It was the please that did him in. The word sounded like a breaking heart. So Gwaine strode back to the table, sat, and began laying out the cards again, one after another. He prattled on about Lisbeth the barmaid and her flirtatious eyes, the way that she would wink at Gwaine before slipping him free drinks that the barkeep knew nothing about. He talked about how, this one time, he'd walked into a tavern somewhere north of Mercia to find a man juggling goslings – honest to God, baby geese were flying through the air, and no one save for Gwaine seemed to find anything strange about it. And had he ever told Merlin about the time that he had to hide in a rubbish barrel for six hours, pantsless, in the winter? No? Oh, Merlin, you're going to love this one...
Over to the right, Merlin sat, his left elbow on his knee, palm pressed against his forehead. Gwaine could see him shaking from this side of the room. As he rambled through the different drunken escapades he'd managed to live through, Gwaine listened as Merlin gasped for air, eyes clenched shut to try and hold back the world.
Gwaine didn't know how long he rambled for, but eventually Merlin's tremors began to fade. His breathing evened out. Still, though, Gwaine continued to talk and talk. He continued to lay the cards down on the table. Eventually Merlin came stumbling over, and sat down across from him.
"Are you sure you should be sitting up right now?" asked Gwaine.
"No."
"Maybe you should lay back down."
"I don't want to, that is all I have done " said Merlin, staring down at the tabletop.
"I could threaten to sit on you if you don't go back to the bed."
"You could, but sitting on me would probably hurt me more, so it would be rather counterproductive."
"Yes," said Gwaine, crossing his arms, "Yes, it would. And Gaius would get cross with me."
Merlin snorted slightly, and silently watched as Gwaine continued his game.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Gwaine asked, glancing up only briefly.
"No," said Merlin, and he began to tap out an irregular rhythm on the wood of the table.
"All right, then."
"Gwaine," Merlin said, "Thank you."
"For what?"
"For not making me tell you about...about what just happened," Merlin said, "You're the only one who hasn't treated me like I'm going to snap and go crazy at any moment. Even Gaius does, a little bit. With them, it's always, 'Have you remembered anything new, Merlin?' and 'Couldn't you try just a bit harder, Merlin?' or 'Don't think on it, we'll tell you later, Merlin'. I don't know how much more of it I can take."
"Merlin," said the knight, abandoning all pretenses of his card game, "I don't treat you like you're going to go crazy because you went crazy a long time ago, as far as I'm concerned. Long before I even met you. Your current insanity is just a different brand than what you usually subscribe to. As to you remembering things, I can't help but wonder if it's better if you don't."
Merlin frowned. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, someone's tried to redecorate your face, along with the rest of you," said Gwaine, poking his shoulder gently, "There's probably a reason you're not remembering it all, and only the bits and pieces. Minds are powerful, guarded things. Yours is probably just trying to protect you. And if it's gone this far out of the way to do that, I'm thinking that we shouldn't try and tamper with it. You'll remember when you remember."
"What if I don't?" Merlin whispered. They both pretended not to notice the way his voice quavered ever so slightly. "What if all I ever remember is what I know now?"
Gwaine did as well, shrugging slightly and saying, "Then you don't, and we deal with it if the time comes."
They stayed sitting there for a while. Eventually, Gwaine coaxed Merlin back into the bed. Though it nearly killed him, he didn't ask about what Merlin had remembered. He couldn't, not now. Not after what Merlin had just said to him. Merlin drifted off to sleep around an hour later.
When Gaius came back, Gwaine looked at him seriously. "We need to talk about something," the knight said, "Could we step outside? I don't want to disturb Merlin's beauty sleep."
